Mum2Mum: The impact of an open marriage on children

Hi Prof,

I am in an open marriage. For me, this has been okay because my spouse and I agreed about it from the onset of our marriage. A week ago, my 23-year-old wrote a letter to me saying that it was shameless for us to have taken them through such experiences. He said that for many years, he and his siblings didn’t know where to hide their heads. Right now, I am so confused and I don’t know how to respond to him. Tell me: how do I undo the wrongs my spouse and I have committed to our children?

An open marriage is a sort of marriage where partners agree they can have other romantic partners, heterosexual or homosexual under certain agreed upon rules and regulations. Such regulations may touch on management of monies, time management across the various romantic relationships, what to expose the children to and how to be respectful to a spouse as one relates with other sexual partners. Partners in open marriages confess they have enormous love which they can distribute to other partners. Others feel unfulfilled by their partners and hence look for relationships which can give them what they find lacking in their marriages. Open marriages have become more accepted and those involved report they thrive under those relationships. However, parents are still secretive about the dynamics of those relationships and, therefore, they hardly get to know the impact of such relationships on their children. You had agreed with your partner too that you were okay with your polyamory arrangement, but you do not seem like you prepared your children for it.

Children do not have the benefit of receiving honour and integrity through their parents’ sexual lifestyles.

It is important to note that children of parents in open or polyamorous relationships are never the benefactors of such unions. Your son has told you categorically, he and the siblings suffered under your marriage arrangement in silence. Children from polyamory relationships who seek counselling report that when they were small, they hardly understood what was happening but had deep-seated feelings that such relationships were not okay. With time, they realise not all parents are like their parents who have multiple partners. When they get bigger, they start understanding the dynamics of healthy and unhealthy relationships. They also attach shame to relationships . 

A desire for decency  

It is imperative to note that at the core of every person is a desire for decency and moral living, but these children do not have the benefit of receiving honour and integrity through their parents’ sexual lifestyles. From children’s perspective, parents ought to be honourable, dignified and morally responsible adults to their children. When parents’ behaviours are informed by the desire for self-gratification, they rob children their self-respect .

Children who grow up in polygamous/ polyamorous environments are affected in multiple ways. They develop low self-worth, low self-confidence, shattered sexual moral confidence and trauma from the open marriage. They get injured through the shallow flipping of romantic relationships they are exposed to. When their parents break up with their lovers, the children lose those that relationship too and they inadvertently feel abandoned and rejected. They learn that relationships are hardly safe, permanent and secure. When they start romantic relations later in life, they either fear investing in those relationships lest they get abandoned or their longing for a long-term, consistent relationship is so powerful that they cling helplessly to friends in the hope that this will make the persons not leave them.

Counsel

You have taken the courage to seek counsel over a matter which is disgraceful for you. It is evident you had not reflected on the impact of your romantic relationships on your children. Many parents in such relationships lack concern and awareness of how such relationships impact their children’s growth trajectory. You are now aware your unhealthy sexual lifestyle harmed your children and this is a step in the right direction. You can seek apology from your children and seek therapy for them to heal and redefine themselves.

The letter of your 23-year-old son brings out the corrosiveness, ugliness and absurdity of polyamorous relationships to children. It affects child-parent relationship due to the inherent betrayal. Your son has decided to come clean to heal and reposition.