What’s the best way to discipline my son?

Question

 Hi Prof, I’m married, and we have been blessed with a beautiful boy, who is now three years old. We have had to deal with terrible tantrums, but neither my husband nor I believe in physically punishing a child. We have never hit, spanked or pinched him. The problem is that he has embarrassed us several times during family gatherings, and everybody, including my parents-in-law, says that he needs to be spanked. Do you think that’s necessary?

Answer

As a parent of a boy, you are raising him to be a man who will eventually be a boyfriend, husband, father, co-worker, boss, among other roles. It would be best if you moulded him to become a healthy, resilient, wise and balanced individual for him to excel in a multifaceted environment. Something notable is that you appreciate your child though you are having a hard time with him. Your child is in his early childhood (pre-schooler) when the world starts opening up for children. They are more adventurous, playful, curious, disruptive and mischievous. Studies opine that approximately ten to 10 to20 per cent of children are born with “difficult temperament.” Such traits include high, often impulsive activity level, aggression, negative mood, intense reaction, anger tantrums and changing moods. Your description of your child places him in the bracket of children with special needs regarding emotional and behavioural regulation.

Aggression during early childhood is not taken seriously and is often considered a part of growing up. Clinically, it can be conceptualised as a personality trait or having a difficult temperament like Attention Deficiency Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), which manifests in impulsivity and disruptive behaviour. Such children require the aid of clinicians like medical doctors or psychologists for appropriate biopsychosocial regulation to be achieved.

Equally, hormones influence the behaviours of individuals. The male sex hormone testosterone is associated with increased aggression in boys compared to girls. Those who have reared both boys and girls can remember that the boys are naturally more chaotic, rowdy, aggressive, naughty, defiant and adventurous with activities. They tend to put themselves in harm’s way more than girls, who are more deliberate, cautions and restrained in the formative years. However, while what your child is manifesting with is not outside the range of what boys do, it seems like his aggression and acting out is intense for he occasionally embarrasses you in public.

Pertinent family resources (human and capital) should be channelled towards developing wholesome grounded children with correct disciplines for wholesome life. If you are reluctant or disabled in developing basic fields in your children, inner emptiness and garbage from external quarters will fill in the gaps. Correctly disciplining one’s children is an essential skill that all parents need to learn. Discipline is not the same as punishment and spanking, pinching, pushing, yelling, shouting and using degrading remarks on your children; correctional methods which are usually used but are very detrimental and not scientifically significant.

To spank or not to spank?

Spanking, the method recommended by your parents-in-law and others is a commonly used method but is the least effective way to dis­cipline a child. Not only can it re­sult in physical harm, but it could also teach your currently temperamental child that aggression and violence is an acceptable way to the correction of behaviour. While it could stop the undesirable behaviour temporarily, it does not teach alternative behaviour. Spanking also interferes with the development of trust, a sense of security, and effective communication. It may also cause emotional pain and resentment, which may be projected on others later in life.

Think about employing other methods of correcting your child’s behaviour which will give you more assured results. You need to have a repertoire of discipline and corrective methods which you can utilise on different occasions and for targeted behaviours. Equally, understand your child’s behaviour so that the methods you utilise will give you expected outcomes. Such strategies include:

1. Positive Attention: This involves being with the child carrying out activities that he loves and appreciating him when he acts constructively.

2. Praise: Catching him being good and validating him.

3. Rewards: Rewarding good behaviour whenever it is displayed.

4. Pre-Teaching: Pre-teaching in ensuring he knows the rules and expectations before an event or outing.

5. Ignoring: Actively ignoring attention-seeking behaviour for doing so terminates such behaviours.

6. Loss of privilege: Taking away a privilege like toys and watching TV for a specific period due to inappropriate behaviour displayed.

7. Making amends: When he hurts someone else, ask him to make amends by saying sorry or some other relevant action.

8. Natural Consequences: As a result of his actions, certain consequences can be allowed to follow if they don’t hurt like allowing him to touch fire so that he can know it burns and hurts.

9. Behavioural Penalty: A mild punishment may be given in response to behaviour for which there is no natural consequence. But the penalty should be something mean­ingful to the child. For instance, when he does not take care of his items, he can be made to lose outing privileges.

10. Time-out: Time-out is a discipline technique which involves placing children in a very boring place for several minutes following unacceptable behaviours. It is an effective way of dealing with his impulsive, aggressive or hos­tile behaviour.

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Prof Catherine Gachutha, PhD, is the director, Kenya Institute of Business and Counselling Studies (KIBCo). Email your parenting questions to [email protected]