I’m tired of cheating, please help!

Dear Pastor Kitoto

I have been in several relationships in the past. The women I dated were loyal and genuinely loved me. Each time, the relationship ended after I was caught cheating. I take full responsibility for past break-ups.

Recently, my current girlfriend fell ill. I rushed her to the hospital, took care of the bill and went home. Later that day, I found out she has been having an affair with our neighbour.

Pastor, I love my girlfriend very much. I have never cheated on her. This betrayal hit me hard. I am worried about the future. Will I ever marry and have a family? I want to start afresh but I don’t know how to go about it. Please help me be a better man, I need to change.

Hi

I can’t say I understand either why your lady would cheat on you. However, what you have shared seems to shed light on what is happening with most relationships today. Yours is among the many other relationships that studies show end without bringing any fulfilment to those involved. Of course this was never the intention of the relationship.

Many are being left wounded, hurt and feeling betrayed by their partners. The desire we have for fun and temporal enjoyment never lasts. In fact, it was never meant to lead to fulfillment. Desires of the flesh will only lead to temporal fun but finally, the truth will come out.

 The change you desire is but the beginning of the journey moving towards establishing a new course for your life. This must be followed by a strong will power to be different and live differently.

Wilful desire to change must ignite a need to identify and cultivate qualities that make relationships stick. This is essential because no one can change you other than yourself.

First, how do you lay down a new course for the life you would like to live? Since you mentioned that the breakups could be your fault, you must accompany your new life with the necessary qualities needed to avoid living the way you have done in the past. Find out what activities you need to quit that negatively influence the way you relate with women? Replace these with new habits like trustworthiness and self-discipline.

Friendship

Second, build character and friendships based on your new values. Define the new you based on these qualities. For example, embed commitment that results into long-term love instead of temporal fun and enjoyment. This true love must be devoid of double dealing and desire to take advantage of the women you meet.

Third, choose a learner’s attitude instead of a know it all attitude. Relationships are dynamic and desire that we learn the changing social environments and seek to relate appropriately. You may also need to learn your partner’s love language. Maybe the break ups were due to a mismatch in the love languages.

 Learn how to build each other rather than use each other to achieve your desired end. Be willing to offer support to each other.

Fourth, successful partners know and understand that relationships are not easy and that conflict is inevitable. You may need to look at the areas that brought disagreement in the relationships and whether you dealt with the issues well. Most times, relationships don’t just break. Indeed you girlfriend lied to you and had an affair. But, really, what I see are two people who are undecided on what they want. Your life has lacked the desired moral bearing to command respect and following needed.

Weakness

When you fail to live by example, you fail to have the moral authority to demand the same. This is exactly where you find yourself. Changing oneself in areas of weakness will build a stronger and better relationship in the future. The change you desire will call for the right values, habits, and practices that will build the new you.

Concerning your future, I would suggest the filling: First, acknowledge your failings as a man in navigating your love life. Why would your lifestyle accommodate the culture of moving from one relationship to a mother. What needs to change? Second, identify and adopt new ways of relating. What makes you get into a relationship? Do your relationships end because what you wanted did not last long? You need to interrogate what relationships you have had so far so as to know what did not work so that you can take on new ways or relating. Third, identify the reasons why you felt disappointed with the lady who cheated on you while the reasons for the many breakups before did not bother you.

Finally, if this lady cheated on you, you need to determine whether she was just another woman like the ones you have parted ways with before? Did she feel loved, cared for, appreciated and affirmed in the relationship. I suggest you give your love life a pause and order your life first before you move on. Look at the issues we have discussed and see whether they help you to re-order your life.

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