He wants to marry me but I’m worried about our age gap

Hi Pastor Kitoto

I am a mother of two currently dating a man who has two children. We have been in a loving relationship for two years now. Although he has a good job and I am currently unemployed, this has not been an issue at all. He wants us to get married but I am hesitant because of our age difference. He is 50 and I am 35. Apart from the age gap, everything else is in sync, we love each other and our values match. I am confused on whether to accept his marriage offer or not. Please advise.

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Hi

It is apparent from your confession that you love him very much. I took note of the fact that he works while you are jobless. How does this affect your overall judgement of him? It is important to ensure that your love or attraction to him is not dependent on the fact that he has a job and you don’t. We should not allow our association with other create a dependency syndrome.

You have mentioned that your problem in this relationship is about the age issue. My argument initially is that, just ensure that you are not being attracted to him because he offers financial caution.

Regarding your fears of age difference, everything we experience in relationships is filtered through our perception lens. The perception you have of the age difference has the ability to bring instability in a relationship. You may feel that you love him, but reason can inform you something different. I am not surprised that you say that you love him but really, I see much fear that contradicts the feeling of love. Could this affect the way you reason out his idea of settling down with you. You have to ensure that your definition of love is not faulted by a blurred perception.

Is age a problem? The answer to this is neither here nor there—particularly considering your ages. The questions you may need to ask yourself are: first, what convinces you that this man is committed to you? Beyond age, is the choice an individual makes to build a common union that is held by deep convictions and commitment to the other person.. I don’t seem to see any selfishness or pride in your description of him.

I see not major moral, faith or core value conflict. However, it is clear from the guilt that you feel that your big issue is age related. The issue to address is why you feel the way you do. Why is age a factor now? Is it because of what people are saying? You are the only one to answer the question of why you would feel okay to be in in love with a man who you are not comfortable to live with because of age. Isn’t this hypocritical? You must see value in him for who he is if the relationship is going to stand the test of time.

Defend your convictions

Be ready to defend your convictions and values otherwise you will live to regret and hate the man you marry. Compromise has some heavy penalties in this life. Do remember that, while you are concerned that he is in an age bracket you have a problem with, sort this out in relationship to the feelings of love you have.

You may need to ask why you still find yourself with him and yet you are somehow unsure. I am assuming that the fact that both of you come into the relationship with children is a non-issue for you. In relationships, there are things we can’t force change on. Where children or an issue like age confront a relationship, making wise choices is key. When you do, it becomes a choice no one manipulated you into making.

“Bad choices hurt for a long time.” The way you reason helps deal with any red flags. Let the love you have for him guide and not blind you from asking yourself hard questions.

Let me to share some important thoughts you will find useful. First, partners in a relationship should build an authentic relating climate. There is need for you to align your feelings of love for him in light of the doubts you have.

Be deliberate in using disclosure of feelings to break down any walls or barriers. Avoid using language that is accusatory or blame in nature. The idea of communication should be to make the other person understand your perspective on any given issue.

Second, plant good seeds of honesty in communicating on difficult issues. This will help deal with unresolved issues that could become a hindrance to developing a great future. In the end, both of you have to be willing to walk a road of discernment, disclosure and discussion if this relationship is going to produce lasting fruit.

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