Help! I no longer desire my wife

There is a connection between healthy sexual intimacy and the trust level in our day-to-day interactions.

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What you need to know:

  • This wrecking inner desire for a child has come with inner emotional consequences.
  • Emotional support from each other, your doctor and church will be helpful.

Mr Kitoto,

After 6 years of marriage we haven't been blessed with children. I am a Christian and so is my wife. All was welling our marriage until I had an affair that lasted a period of 4 months with a lady in a nearby town. I realized my folly and turned back. I did not see her again until when I visited her town on business and she informed me that she got pregnant but chose to abort the baby. I don’t trust her and I have no way of confirming her story. Could she be taking advantage of me? Out of that brief conversation, I began to lose sexual desire in my wife and have been feeling a level of resentment towards her. Is my wife the one with the problem? We have been to several doctors but so far no help. The doctors say that both of us are okay and that we should be patient.

Please kindly help.


One reason that could result in the failure to conceive can be infertility. Many marriage counsellors believe that infertility is a problem of great significance and concern among couples and a cause of pain and grief to many. Sadly, old cultural mindsets view childless as living a less fulfilled life. Although advancement in medicine provides many treatment options that can be accessed by those in marriage, culture still places high value on having a child—seeing it as a sign of fruitfulness, wealth and continuity of the family line.

On the contrary, when a couple has tried to get children—even if it were for a short time, without success, they feel incomplete, disillusioned and empty. The disconnect you are feeling that has drawn you away from your wife is somewhat connected to this. This is slowly sliding you into a slippery road of blame where you see her as the one with the problem. This wrecking inner desire for a child has come with inner emotional consequences and outward actions that are contributing to the deterioration of your relationship.

It’s important to know that, a good many women have complained of side effects associated with fertility drugs that contain hormones—including mood changes or mood swings, anxiety or even depression among many others. If your wife was placed on any medication, such side effects could make a woman find sex less interesting. In addition, busy schedules and the failure to find time for each other can make sex unappealing and a hard task to accomplish.

In that case, sex ceases to be fun, pleasurable and spontaneous. Maybe this is part of what contributed to your lack of desire for your wife. Sitting with a counsellor and a doctor can help both of you walk this journey and find a solution together. Emotional support from each other, your doctor and church will be helpful. A lot can happen when we pray. The problem comes when those on treatment are not giving feedback to their doctor to help in adjusting the treatment where need be.

I suggest that the two of you build trust and emotional support will help maintain a harmonious productive union. This is the kind of environment where intimacy is real and conception possible. There is a connection between healthy sexual intimacy and the trust level in our day-to-day interactions. Are we able to trust enough to be vulnerable concerning the struggles and joys we go through during sex? This is the only way to deal with the challenges as we cement the oneness.

My second suggestion sex must be seen as a relationship that intensifies with time. Since negative emotional baggage can impact our sexual drive, focusing your relationship on things that add value is key. There is a need for you to re-align your inner conflicting messages. Being irritable and distant will easily derail your marriage and intentions. Experiencing an intimate sexual connection and pleasure is not independent of the pressures we experience around us.

Acknowledging that sex is both physical as it is emotional, will help you put effort into cementing actions that support your union. I have witnessed marriages united by a common bond of love and mutual desire result in children later in the marriage. While the road to getting pregnant may be harder, there are medical and non-medical factors that both of you need to consider.

These non-medical factors include a healthy love life, emotional support, a healthy mind and emotional state, and allowing sex to be fun and not a chore. Deal with the temptation to be anxious. Try and keep a healthy view of each other.

Finally, getting into an affair only complicates things and children are not what brings happiness and fulfilment in marriage. Having any affair did not help resolve your marital problem, but instead could have given the other woman the weapon she needed to manipulate you. Dealing with such issues that erode love and good feelings will help you see beauty, and acknowledge and appreciate what you. Do not lose hope.