Can a married man last for more than seven months without sex?

Hi Kitoto,

I have been married for five years now and we are blessed with a handsome baby boy. Immediately after the birth of our son in January 2012, my husband got posted to another town.

We had been  doing fine until last October when I had a miscarriage. The doctor advised us to wait for at least two months before we tried again.

In January this year, I conceived again and God is good, I didn’t have any problems (so far I am 35 weeks pregnant).

The problem is that since January my husband has never touched me nor seemed interested in sex.

 I have tried on multiple occasions but  he always turns me down.

I recently mentioned how long it has been since we made love and he explained that after the loss of our unborn child he decided to hold off because he thought we had done something that caused the miscarriage.

My questions are

1. Can a married man last for more than seven months without sex?

2. Could he be having a mistress (noting the marriage is long distance)?

Stressed woman

Hi,

Long distance relationships are feasible but they do have their rough moments: First is the constant fighting experienced due to a lack of closeness and face to face communication. As absence increases, it also heightens communication problems.

Second is jealousy. This is common where distance creates growing resentment for lack of emotional connection and intimacy. There is need for self discipline and a self-love that will develop self-confidence.

Third is fear of infidelity. Distance has a way of fanning suspicions and insecurity that must be tamed. Fourth is separation. This is the result of a physical distance that is quite tangible and which has the capacity to cause a drifting away mentally and soon emotionally.

With physical distance in play, one partner may feel like the relationship is a ‘One-sided effort’.

If not handled well, the physical distance experienced in the relationship will create fear and jealousy that could lead to suspicions becoming rife in the relationship. Can a man who once was sexually active in a relationship go without sex for a long time? The answer is Yes!

The ability for a man or woman for that matter to postpone intimacy is a matter of self discipline and self control. If these tendencies were never detected before in your man, then work at enhancing the positive aspects of the relationships instead of feeding yourself on fear.

Could he be having another mistress, I really can not tell since it is hard to know whether his lack of sexual activity in marriage has anything to do with unfaithfulness.

Am I saying that he is not being faithful? No! All I am saying is that, you need to move towards putting accusations aside and look for ways of advancing harmony.

If you deal with the issues that plague long distance relationships, it will eventually help bridge the gap between the two of you.

Ways of making long distance relationships enjoyable, fun-filled and bearable

1.Communicate regularly and creatively

Make it a habit to call and send pictures, text messages and short videos to each other from time to time. When you make an effort of this nature, you make the other person feel important, validated, loved and appreciated. 

2. Maximise your time when together

Moments when your are together are opportunities to set priorities on the important issues that require discussion so that you can creatively set some time aside for a little fun and romance. 

3.Practice authenticity and honesty

Trust does not grow on trees. Every couple must learn to live and practice honesty with self before expecting it from others. Faithfulness is the fruit of a well guarded life. Seek to live with integrity no matter the demands and expectations of others around the two of you. 

4. Share your daily routines and schedules with each other

The more your partner knows about where you are and who you are with, the more they will be at peace with you. Keeping your friends and the places you go to a secret only but digs a grave for your marriage. 

5.Stay focused and positive —

When a spouse lives on rumours and suspicions about their partner, the chances are that she/he will be influenced negatively. Whichever voice one listens to, it will crowd all the other voices out. When you believe something about someone, it will affect your feelings towards them. So, staying focused is key in keeping one’s head straight and sober. 

6. Work on resolving any trust issues whenever and as soon as they arise.

In long distance relations, absence can create serious feelings of insecurity and paranoia, especially where you are bound to hear that your partner is socialising with new friends and colleagues in the new station. Confronting any trust issues that arise through honest and direct communication is a must. Seek to be gain knowledge and be informed and not to accuse from the onset. 

7. Get more creative in trying to fill up your idle time

Time can pass away very fast where we keep ourselves engaged productively. Keep your mind engaged on things that will advance you by focusing on learning new skills that could later advance the relationship either directly or indirectly.

For example, while your spouse is away, try and do that extra course that could advance your career or engage in some business idea that will keep your creative juices flowing. Remember, an idle mind given access to idle time will provide a great place for all kinds of unprofitable stuff to be manufactured.