KITOTO: I always lose interest in women I  date once we get physical

Dear Kitoto

I am a 30 year  single man and I am facing a dilemma. I am unable to sustain a relationship after sex. However many my partners I try, sexual intimacy marks the end of the relationship. I have had several counselling sessions but nothing has changed.  How do I deal with this problem?

Harrison

Hi,

Self-control is a person’s ability to control one’s emotions, behaviour, and desires in the face of external demands.

In psychology it is sometimes referred to as self-regulation. Many people tend to be controlled by emotional impulses.

However, rather than responding to immediate impulses, we can take time to process, plan, evaluate the consequences of certain actions and reactions and in turn choose alternative actions that will be consistent with good behaviour.

This helps us refrain from doing things we’ll regret later and starts us towards a path of self regulation.

In order to live a fulfilling life, one must find balance in everything you do by practising self-control which in turn helps a person maintain stability in their day to day life. When we develop other abilities like wisdom and willpower, we move our self regulation to another level.

The lack of self-control continues to pose a big risk to relationships. Since the temptation is to live selfishly, please self, satisfy our own desires, our relationships end up suffering. Selfishness makes us focus on ourselves and what we want at the expense of other people’s needs.

Because you have put your own wants  ahead of the relationship needs, it will be hard for you to see what your partner sees.

You goals and theirs are very different because in one way, it may appear that your desire was to use them.

THE TRUTH...

And as soon as your desires are met, you loose interest and move on. The truth then is that, you end up putting them in a place where they are no longer important to you, they don’t feel needed or loved. This is pure selfishness.

You mentioned that you have gone for counselling and that it has been futile. I’d like to point out that where one lacks the will power to influence his decisions, then it is difficult to embrace new ways of doing things. To help you move the way you date to another level, I suggest that:

First: Manage your stress levels. The desire to have explore the next thrill in your life must be managed.

What is happening is that, there is a level of desire in you that has not been managed.

Your desire for women is attached to your desire to have sex with them. If you can see women as great people with whom you can cultivate a relationship without it turning to be sexual then you can finally build meaningful relationships.

The question here is how you view a woman before you date her. This is crucial to your self disposition when you meet face to face.

Second: Stick to one plan. My question here is simple, “What is your game plan?” Is it to find a companion with whom you can have a meaningful relationship or just an attractive girl to sleep with?”

It is important to understanding what drives you. Sticking to one plan means finding this lady with whom you share a lot in common, looks like a good match and you stick with her and the plan of discovering what adds value and what doesn’t. The game plan here is to find the one you can spend your life with.

Third: Learn to affirm self and others. What gives you affirmation in life? Do you look for sex to get affirmed? The routine you have developed shows both a lack of self discipline and some level of uncontrolled desire.

When I like myself, I am able to treat others in similar manner. Good relationships require responsible behaviour by both partners.

I really do not know what you would feel if you were the one people used the way you are using all these girls . There is more to relationships and friendships than sex and self gratification.

Fourth: Manage your thought patterns. We are the sum total of our thoughts and attitudes. Our behaviour is not too far removed from what is happening in our minds.

Remember, as a person thinks, so is he. If you are constantly feeding your mind to sexually explicit movies, literature and music, then this is how you will be driven in your desire to build relationships.

Maxwell says, attitude is everything. When you manage your thoughts, then it will be easier to build a life based on self discipline and self determination. What you currently have is a life built on self gratification and desire to fulfil your fleshly desires.

Fifth: Vary the activities you do during dating. When you date, try and vary the things you do to avoid boredom and idleness that could lead to promiscuous behaviour.

Choose your activities with care and particularly those that will strengthen the values you hold together.