Have my wife, I’ll have yours ... for the night

The mid-November sun is setting rapidly in the horizon, casting a soft, golden glow over the surrounding hills. Lake Naivasha shimmers in the distance. The singing of weaver birds and fresh fragrance of daffodils along the driveway welcome guests.

Top- of-the-range SUVs, a Range Rover HSE, a Mercedes Benz, and an odd Jaguar are among the cars in the compound. It is certainly not an outing for Nairobi’s much-hyped middle class, much less one for riff raffs.

The couples who arrive in the “toys” walk up the cobbled path hand in hand to the farmhouse somewhere off the Mai Mahiu-Naivasha Road overlooking the scenic Mt Longonot. They know one another well.

The men look debonair in white tailcoats while the women, in contrast, are casually, or rather, scantily dressed.

Every couple is welcomed at the door with a purple carnation — it symbolises capriciousness — by scantily clad girls.

After exchanging pleasantries, the guests quickly settle down inside the ornate building. Dinner is served by trained waiters brought in for the occasion by an outside catering unit of a five-star hotel in Nairobi. It is a formal affair.

The dozen or so couples move to the “meeting room”, where they are served either tea or coffee; no alcohol, thank you. Unconfirmed reports say the drinks are laced with sex-enhancing substances, but a participant we interviewed vehemently denied this.
One hour later, a man stands up, and says, “Cheers, friends, let’s set it!”

“Let’s set it!” the others shout, almost in unison, against the strains of soft music oozing from hidden speakers. Every man then places his car keys in a basket on the table at the centre of the “meeting room”, after which they randomly pick a key from the basket; the rules prohibit anyone from peeping into the basket.

The men then move quickly to the car whose keys they they have picked. The women follow them, each pairing off with the man who picked her husband’s car keys.

One by one the new “couples” drive to another farmhouse known as the “upper chamber”, about half a kilometre away, where they disappear into the rooms on the upper floor.

They know their way into the unnumbered rooms, having been there several times before.

Once inside, there is no preamble. The lights may be left on or switched off, depending on the ambience the couple wants.

Welcome to the world of spouse swapping, popularly known as swinging. What we have only been reading about in books or watching on X-rated movies is well with us. And it is not restricted just to the super rich.

Notably, it is an re-enactment of what used to happen in Happy Valley in Kinangop, Nyandarua County, 50 kilometres from this place, at the height of colonial debauchery as so graphically described in The White Man’s Country.

Kate (not her real name) who has been swinging together with her husband, recounted her experience to DN2: “It is extremely exciting. It has rekindled my marriage.”

“Rekindled your marriage?” I ask, unable to hidemy amazement. “I thought it could break it…”

“…Thank you. That’s the traditional view,” she cuts me short. “You completely miss the point. The issue here is that my husband and I are both in it. It is all consensual. Believe me, as a couple, we are more committed to each other than ever in our six-year-old marriage.”

So how did she become a swinger?

“We joined this group of friends, who introduced us to their group.... But it took a while before they allowed us to visit the farmhouse in Naivasha. In fact, we did not know they do it, or at least I did not know, until almost a year later. Sorry, I can’t tell you more about that,” says the 35-year-old mother of two girls.

She says that swinging is more of “allowing one to explore beyond the limits commonly set by society”, adding that those who oppose the practice are ignorant or hypocritical.

“The practice is not much different from what some Kenyan communities have been doing for ages. The Maasai have been doing it. Swinging does not make it sinful,” she argues.

Noticing my incredulity, she adds, “Why, it so common yet secretive, you will only hear rumours. But ask around and realise that many people know about it. Of course you don’t expect people to confess to having participated.”

Indeed, many of the people DN2 spoke to had heard about swinging.

“As Kenyans become richer, social behaviour is also evolving, and what seemed to be unchallengeable sexual taboos are being challenged. Social interactions are changing all the time,” says Dr Humphrey Waweru, a lecturer in philosophy and religious studies at Kenyatta University.

Dr Waweru explains that practices such as swinging are currently being interpreted as what scholars call “post-colonial critique”, whereby people are reclaiming traditional practices.

He adds that it is emerging that modernity and materialism do not necessarily provide personal fulfillment, hence the spiritual crisis symbolised by scandals such Pastor Kanyari’s and the Magu family tragedy.

“When people are spiritually hungry, they do weird things. Materialism has led to cultural decay, and this leads some people to seek fulfillment and identity by re-inventing their long- forgotten cultural practices such as swinging,” Dr Waweru says.

This explains why the middle class is forming groups to which new members are traditionally initiated for example by offering a goat to members at men-only ceremonies.

“It is very disgusting. I think it is better not to know. If my wife cheated on me, I would prefer that it remain a secret,” says, Michael Maingi, a systems engineer in Nairobi.

He adds that he would rather live alone than accept such a practice.

“I mean, what is the point of getting married,only for you to engage in wife or husband sharing?” he asked, adding that the thought of his wife in bed with another man in an adjacent room would be unacceptable.

Traditionally among the Maasai and the Kikuyu, it was acceptable for members of the same age-set to share wives. But it was consensual. This is no longer acceptable among the contemporary Maasai.

Well-known cultural analyst Dr Joyce Nyairo, dismisses the “traditionalist” view of swinging.

“We should be careful whenever we invoke the reinvention of tradition. If married couples of the ’60s had been swingers, we would confidently say they reinvented what they had seen their parents and grandparents doing in the 1940s. Who in contemporary Nairobi saw ethnic-based swinging?”

Dr Nyairo blames the practice on substance abuse and the influence of global media, particularly reality TV and the pornography industry.

“The idea that married folks needed more than one sexual partner in the course of their lives was enshrined in many ethnic traditions, but it happened with dignity and decorum: there were rules about where the visiting lover hid, like in the githaku among the Kikuyu, to avoid facing the husband who always came home singing loudly to warn the lover of his arrival and avoid an embarrassing encounter. The Maasai spear planted in the front yard served the same purpose,” she adds.

But Kate says not all swingers use drugs. She insists it is much better to sleep with someone with the full knowledge and permission of one’s spouse rather than hiding and getting discovered.

“It is even better if it is with someone you know and is your spouse’s friend. In fact, it has led me and my husband to discover what we were doing wrong in bed…” she gushes.

Most of the people interviewed by DN2 said they had heard of swinging clubs in Kiambu and around Nairobi patronised by very rich people.

Due to the sensitivity of the subject, however, it was hard getting more participants to talk.

“It is a very secretive practice. And remember, the people involved are the same ones you see in church on Sundays…including church leaders...,” adds Dr Waweru.

Apparently, there are variations of the practice. Reports indicate that there are exclusive clubs in Nairobi and Mombasa that run “saunas”, much like you find in Europe and the US.

At these clubs, the husband, accompanied by his wife (or even alone but with her knowledge), goes to an exclusive club to have sex with strangers.

The thing is that both have agreed that it is okay, said a source who declined to be named because of his position in society.

While swinging is practised strictly by a closely knit group of friends, in the sauna, one just pays an entry fee. Once inside, one undresses and enters a pool of warm water and those interested simply exchange signals and go to a side room for sex.

“Often, married people love the sauna because there are no strings attached. Your partner will not even ask your name. Once, I went with a woman who looked very rich. She did not say a word to me, before, during or after sex. She just removed some condoms from her bag,” adds another source.

Group sex is becoming common common even among the young hippy generation.

Kids arrange to meet in a house when the parents are away and buy alcohol, whose potency they increase by mixing different brands. Once intoxicated, they start sex orgies, often exchanging partners. And it is not just children from rich families who do this.

“We have live sex shows in the slums. Some of these practices are driven by the need for a higher thrill and adventure,” says, Dr Nyairo

Since we cannot ban or legislate on swinging and religion has done little to guide societal morals, there is a need to re-engage our moral foundations and do things differently, at least in educating our children on the dangers of modern influences, concludes Dr Nyairo.

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The history of swinging

WIFE-SHARING IS not new. It is reported among the ancient Romans. Various indigenous groups still practice it around the world. In modern times, the practice entered the great feminist debate of the ’ 40sand became “swinging” when “wife-swapping” became politically incorrect.

It first appeared in the mainstream media during the Second World War. US soldiers were reported to be sharing wives “as a sign of camaraderie” in the face of great danger.

“Uncertain of ever coming back alive, the pilots would organise an evening party just before a bombing mission. There they would exchange wives. Unwritten vows would be exchanged among the men to the effect that in case of death, the departed pilot’s colleagues would take care of his wife and children…” says a report on the Internet.

There are numerous websites giving all sorts of advice on swinging.

“The friendships and companionship among swingers strengthen the primary stem of the relationship rather than damage it: Allowing you and your partner to explore your sexuality and sensuality in new ways not easily accepted in traditional communities,” says one dedicated to the practice, reinforcing Kate’s (see main story) rationale for swinging.

Some swingers believe that as long as they consider their relationships with their spouses sacred, it does not contradict that sanctity and is consistent with spiritual values.

The important thing, as Kate insisted, is that the couple define cheating. As long as they have a definition and stay within its boundaries, no cheating occurs.

After all is said and done , we must agree that things have changed tremendously since the times of our great grandparents, and we are going to continue hearing of such astounding social practices, which we frown upon but which gradually become accepted or rejected entirely. That is as long as we promote freedom of choice and association as higher societal values.