Gender roles in marriage: Who does what?

In a world constantly reinventing the wheel of tradition, the age-old blueprint of marriage for many remains in a state of flux. On one side of the ballroom, modern couples are dancing to a progressive beat of fluidity, collaboration, and shared responsibilities.

On the opposite side, some couples are holding tight to the gender roles they have known since childhood. Men cook and change diapers. Women pay rent and school fees. For some, their dance is one of tradition, finding harmony in roles that have been passed down through generations.

Nation Lifestyle spoke with three couples on the place of gender roles in today’s society and this is what they had to say:

Silas and Winfred Okoth, early 30s and married for two and a half years

During their premarital classes, Silas found himself face-to-face with gender role perceptions that were a distant cry from the patriarchal nature he had grown up in. 

“The facilitators emphasized the need to share roles as a couple because we would be complimenting each other in marriage," he says.

The Okoths put these lessons into practice and it did their marriage good. However, Winfred notes that she is hesitant to ask for her husband’s help on some tasks when visiting the in-laws.

“We share responsibilities at home but it is not something I can talk about proudly in the village. People tend to frown at such things.”

But people do more than just frown, the vocal ones do not hesitate to dish out unsolicited advice on the roles of wives and husbands.

“I have been reminded countless times that I must do house chores and that I shouldn't expect much help from my husband.”

However, her husband helps out with chores. 

"He makes breakfast on Sundays as I prepare the baby for church. He also irons clothes as it's not among my favourite chores to do."

To Silas, choosing and doing what is best for his marriage is the way he handles 'outside' pressure.

"I listen to everything but only apply the advice selectively based on my personal beliefs and biblical principles," he adds. 

The Okoths did not get to this collaborative space overnight. A lot of learning, unlearning, and re-learning had to take place.

"My husband thought getting married meant retiring from house chores, while I thought he should read my mind and help out without my asking. We reconciled this by communicating our needs and expectations of each other."

Unifying gender roles has also proven to be beneficial in handling their finances as a couple. While money often serves as a source of conflict in romantic relationships, the Okoths explain that they combine all their resources and allocate expenditures based on specific needs.

The couple welcomed their first child this year.

"Because our baby is still young, five months old, we do not have specific roles as parents. However, we agreed that as the children grow older, we will need to assume distinct roles in their upbringing. We're envisioning a situation where I will take on the fatherly roles, including providing leadership, protection, and financial support for the children. My wife, on the other hand, will focus on teaching the children the right values and nurturing their sense of belonging in this family."

Pastor Charles and Peris Muiruri, early 40s and married for 15 years

In the Muiruris household, the discussion of who took on which responsibilities was never really raised, because their pre-marital understanding implicitly supported traditional gender roles.

“Before we had our children, there were times he would clean the dishes while I cleaned the house or doing something else. If he didn't help out, I didn't hold a grudge, as I viewed it as my responsibility," shares Peris.

However, Charles notes that gender roles are not cast in stone and over the years they have morphed and evolved. One of the catalysts of this evolution was when he couldn't bring any income home and the wife had to foot the bills.

"I had a call to go into ministry and after some time, we got kicked out of the house. We were hosted by some friends for four months and after that, we managed to find a house. My wife was the breadwinner and I did what was needed to be done around the house.”

He notes that, although some roles might be perceived as specifically gendered, responsibilities such as raising children should be viewed as a collective effort.

"I strongly believe that a father should be present in his children's lives, otherwise they will grow up and he will be a stranger."

Despite their convictions, the Muiruri's marriage hasn't escaped the barrage of unsolicited advice from friends and family.

"When we got married, he had the calling to be a pastor and was not working. The day of the wedding, my aunts were prodding on what he would be doing and if he was capable of taking care of me," she notes.

Charles and Peris had a crash course on how to not let outside influence tear into their marriage. "Every time either of us got the uncalled-for advice we would debunk it together."

The Muiruris acknowledge that while friends and family often have input on a couple's challenges, it's up to the couple to decide the extent to which they let those opinions influence them.

Reflecting on her early married days and comparing them to 15 years later, Peris notes that her perception of gender roles has changed significantly.

"Because of the unique strengths each party bears, I have learnt to do my part and give it my all as he does his. For instance, I plan parties for the children and he pays for what is needed.”

In the same vein, Charles emphasizes the shared conviction behind their approach: this is our marriage and we want it to work.

To newlyweds navigating gender roles, the Muiruri's advice, "Do what you love doing, and what makes you shine and also be willing to do what is dirty and not so nice. For instance, if you love doing cooking and not the dishes, be willing to do both excellently."

Paul Wakanyua 53 and Caroline Wakanyua 47, married for 23 years

The Wakanyuas have continued to uphold the distinct traditional roles they were raised with.

However, there has been a change in how they raise their children, with the couple emphasizing that gender roles should be seen more as shared responsibilities rather than separate tasks.

"They (our children) know that house chores are more about helping one another than doing them for one another. For instance, my son, our firstborn knows that they must eat even when I'm running late. So, he prepares meals for his siblings and immediately I arrive, he disappears," Caroline reveals.

Jotting down the distinctions between their generation and that of Generation Z and younger millennials in terms of gender roles, Caroline notes that the current wave of equality often termed "wokeness" is diminishing cultural traditions in favour of a 50-50 split.

"It is not the man's place to cook. Even if he gets home before you, you should not complain to him when he is seated as you prepare supper. He can help, and that is a bonus, but it is not mandatory," she affirms.

However, Paul maintains that while it is the place of a woman to cook and clean, a man's duty lies in providing.

"It is my responsibility to ensure that whatever is being cooked, I have provided for. Whether it's paying rent, school fees, or anything else deemed as a man's job. This is in the same way as traditionally where our fathers went to the farm to provide. Now, our blue/white-collar jobs serve as our farms," he explains.

There was a time when Paul travelled abroad but despite his physical absence, he continued to meet his obligations to the family.

"I have to give him his flowers because even during that time, he would execute his roles well and speak with our children on the phone," shares Carol.

Contrary to the common notion that couples receive unsolicited advice from friends and family, Caroline reveals that what has shielded them is keeping their marital life private from the outside world.

"Our cultural beliefs taught us the value of not airing our dirty linen in public. So, what we do in-house even if it's disagreeing remains like so. We do not publicise."

For newlyweds, Paul advises that it is prudent to draw upon one's culture as it provides the best foundation for navigating gender roles.

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