Prolonged silence creates mountains out of molehills
A woman, when hurt will go quiet. She will seem calm, but inside, her brain is on wavelength ninety-nine.
Ever since I renewed my driving license via the online and SMS channel of National Transport and Safety Authority (NTSA), those guys have been texting me daily. You would think that we are now married. Wait, if only Hubby would text me as enthusiastically as them, we would be on a never waning honeymoon. The NTSA people now consider me their person - person.
They faithfully text me such enticing messages, I consider them love notes. ‘Would you like a tender with a government ministry?’ A text from them asks. ‘Of course, I would!’ I once wrote back. But theirs is a one-way communication channel. Only their voice is heard, and I remain tight lipped, like some of our marriage relationships during a wintry season.
These NTSA peeps understand something that most spouses, more so, husbands do not; that silence is a form of communication. They continue to speak to me, sometimes as much as three times daily, even when I cannot speak back to them. But they know that their message was delivered, and feedback did not have to be directly to them, but through my action. For example, I will, sometimes click the link attached to their message and learn more about something that interested me.
Managing anger
“Silence is communication!” I told Hubby, or rather retorted the other day. It was my first complete sentence to him that day, when he complained that I was not communicating. I was deeply hurt by something he had said. Or not said, or was it something he had done, or not done? Anyway, I was hurt. Not angry, because when angry, most people boil over and either shout, scream or kick something. Anger does not beg to be released. It just storms out.
Those with healthy ways of managing their anger will take a brisk walk and speak to the wind, before coming back to face the person who has stirred their anger. Because anger, like fire, can cause irreversible damage if not managed well. Anger is inevitable. Even new borns throw a storm when you take too long to change their diaper or to feed them. But anger must never spill out of control and must be allowed to have an expression, because it also wears out as soon as it is vented out.
But today we are talking of hurt. Hurt is something else. It is like a festering wound that you bear silently. It gnaws at your flesh, then gets to the bone. A woman, when hurt will go quiet. She will seem calm, but inside, her brain is on wavelength ninety-nine. I suspect a hurt man cries silently, from the inside.
Security
A spouse can deeply hurt the other, first because you are in each other’s space twenty-four seven. Familiarity creates a deep sense of security and strengthen a couple’s bond and love. But familiarity can indeed breed contempt when we start taking each other for granted. For example, a love gesture that decades before procured you a kiss and a warm ‘thank you, darling’ now gets scorned, goes unnoticed or worse, is considered either a chore or an entitlement by the other.
On this day, I was hurt, and the pain numbed me into speechlessness. The issue may not have been an earthquake kind of thing if I were to share the details, but the insensitivity behind it was what hurt. I am sure we have all been guilty of rendering the other speechless without even realising how hurt they were because they did not shout, scream, or cry.
Our expectations from our loved ones are so high that when they hurt us, especially if we presume that they did it intentionally, cuts deep. When we finally find our voice and confront them, then they deny or get defensive, that is when anger checks in. But anger expressed is always better than a hurt kept inside, as it helps clarify an issue that may otherwise get out of hand. And who better can create a mountain out of a molehill than a couple engaged in silence treatment?
Karimi is a wife who believes in marriage. [email protected]
