Travel advisory to hustlers on March 20 street festival
The Hustler Government wishes to inform all foreign visitors to ignore local media reports that political noise has overtaken Ugali as Kenya’s staple food, and those coming to Nairobi on March 20 should carry sufurias as helmets, as they might encounter extra-terrestrial objects on their way to work.
We have decided to make this public service announcement after receiving numerous panic calls from foreign dignitaries who are wondering whether there are tours and travel companies operating armoured tanks as taxis in Kenya.
We know which of our neighbours have been tarnishing our good name behind our backs, but we shall not name them today as the Bible says we should leave vengeance to God.
Ordinarily, we would have sent Government hustlers on a shuttle diplomacy to your foreign capitals to assure you of safety this coming Monday, but we’ve since been notified that most of our hustlers don’t have passports as the money we gave them for Hustler Fund was used to buy sufurias they will beat on March 20.
To plug this confidence gap in Kenya as a tourist destination beyond March 20, the Hustler government has, therefore, instructed Magical Kenya to burn the Sunday midnight oil to give foreign tourists the best street carnival experience they have ever seen on a Monday.
To begin with, instead of positioning a few cultural dancers jumping in faded uniforms at the Jomo Kenyatta International Airport, the Hustler Government has instructed all Kenyans to turn up for the street festival on Monday for our visitors to experience the special Sufuria cultural dance presented by our very own hustlers drawn from the Hunger Safety Net Programme under the Ministry of Labour and Social Protection.
We would also have had a special performance by beneficiaries of the Older Persons Cash Transfer Programme, but the Government couldn’t find the money to transport them to Nairobi, as all the budget allocations have been taken up by the clergy currently on State House payroll to pray for corruption to go away.
Visitors coming in to savour our cuisine on Monday will be excited to learn that the street carnival will be free of charge. All will be required of our visitors are feather-light dancing shoes and a bottle of drinking water, because the State House intercessors who prayed for rain to beat Kenyans will be on hand to witness the Hustler Government wipe tears from our eyes.
We’re aware several countries in Africa have copied our revolutionary concept and organised street festivals on the same day to confuse tourists who had confirmed bookings to our seven wonders of the world.
We wish to remind all tourists that nowhere else in the world will you get this once-in-a-lifetime experience to watch Kenya’s multicultural diversity at no cost. Even those who have booked their holiday to Machu Picchu wished Magical Kenya had informed them earlier of our golden package.
We understand that our lynchpin geopolitical standing would make countries envy our position as the crown jewel of African tourism, as to cause them to peddle rumours about what might happen to our visitors on Monday. We advise them to try praying to God instead of consulting witch doctors.
There’s a reason Kenya is respected in the global community for having one of the most progressive constitutions in the world. It’s not our fault that our enemies still have stone-age laws that incubate dictators who hate seeing their citizens having fun on the streets.
On behalf of Magical Kenya, we wish all our visitors a memorable March 20 street festival. We hope you will go back home to spread the Gospel that the devil is a liar.