Members of the National Assembly,
Members of the Senate,
All protocols observed.
Today, we come before you; begging for forgiveness for all the bad things we ever said about you, hoping you shall give us some pocket change to say good things we are yet to see, because your money will help faith to move those mountains of skepticism.
For four years, we have been claiming to have made you see the inside of Parliament, yet it’s your money that did the trick. Sorry for impersonating your hard-earned cash and giving our votes a false sense of importance.
The National Cohesion and Integration Commission (NCIC) has been begging Kenyans to make peace with their enemies, and we hereby extend an olive branch to your bank account. Kindly organise a handshake between us and your money. Never again shall our votes fight with your money over who won you public office.
We wish to state that we have been mistaken to believe our MPs don’t mean well. We came to this conclusion this week when we saw you drop everything and rush back to the House to shed crocodile tears on increased fuel prices.
We know you could’ve chosen to shed tears of other wild animals but you chose crocodiles because you mean well for the millions of Kenyans who derive their livelihood from the blue economy, and you’re the reason our crocodiles aren’t in the CITIES list of endangered species.
If you could shed rhino tears next time we have another national crisis, it would go a long way in helping the Kenya Wildlife Service (KWS) save the Big Five from those who don’t like the good work you’re doing.
The passion you showed while defending the rights of Kenyans to be led by greedy individuals has convinced us that you need another term in office. We know your hearts are in the right place even when your stomachs struggle to convince us otherwise.
From today, we shall defend your right to add yourself hefty retirement perks for the great work you’ve done passing punitive laws to shake down the few coins left in our pockets after paying taxes through our noses.
For a long time we have been waiting for the return of Jesus Christ to save us from bad governance, forgetting He was to come as a thief; and CBC has taught us to read between the lines and see the thief of public funds.
We would’ve crucified you and asked for Barabbas instead, but even if we wanted to nail you on the cross, we wouldn’t have found quality wood due to the government ban on logging.
When you met beyond Godly hours to increase taxes on petrol two years ago, some misguided elements cursed you for abandoning suffering Kenyans, as if they’ve ever seen you trekking with them to Industrial Area on an empty stomach. You’re still alive today because you serve a living God who shall continue expanding your territory with poor people’s money.
We admit that we haven’t been clapping for you enough when you construct petrol stations all over the country to increase access to expensive fuel. We want to make it up to you by buying more boda boda bikes on loan to boost your fuel business, and when we default on the loan and auctioneers come to pick the bikes, we know you shall wipe our tears with those flashy wheelbarrows that run on empty promises. This is the real win-win you’ve been preaching on top of your choppers which you’ve been fuelling with our own money.
As we head into the 2022 elections, it’s our sincere hope that you never lost the directions to our mud houses you last visited while checking on our votes four years ago. We shall welcome you again to wash our feet and eat the last supper with us, before you leave us to starve as you go back home to deworm your gut with imported wine.