Let Gachagua speak, he’s our official opposition leader

The prevailing wisdom is that President William Ruto’s assumption of office has breathed fresh life into the new government, brought merit back to the hiring of Cabinet secretaries, and rid the system of state capture.

Someone forgot to tell Mr Rigathi Gachagua.

In just under one month, the freshly minted Deputy President has assumed rock-star status with his cool shades and verbal rockets.

If he’s not begging the media to stop forcing him to hate forests, he’s sparring with the Central Bank Governor on who’s the expert on monetary policy.

In truth, Mr Gachagua is the government insider Kenyan hustlers had been waiting for.

While many government employees are afraid to speak on the true status of the rot in government, for fear of losing their jobs, Mr Gachagua doesn’t suffer such hangovers.

He’s a self-made teetotaler, comes from a pedigree bloodline of Mau Mau revolutionaries and can help anyone climb Mt Kenya with his eyes closed. 

If he’s lately been wearing photochromatic shades inside the presidential jet, it can only be because his courage isn’t just shining, it’s illuminating the whole country.

In Mr Gachagua, Kenyans can finally fill the void left by the silence of the opposition on the current suffering of Kenyan hustlers. 

Jericho Revenue Authority 

Raila Odinga asked us to wait as he recalibrates his compass, Martha Karua is still healing from the painful words by the Supreme Court bench; and the last time Kalonzo Musyoka spoke on the rising cost of living, Jesus was still convincing Zacchaeus that he wouldn’t be arrested if he came down the tree and resigned from the Jericho Revenue Authority.

We believe Mr Gachagua when he says our foreign currency reserves have gone to be with the dogs, Kenya Airways is making losses because of state capture, and the DCI team should sit back at their Karura offices and wait for Kenyans to come for free tea.

For a long time, we have given airtime to economics experts who have failed to turn around our bedridden economy. It’s time to hear from a former provincial administration officer who takes orders seriously.

We understand why government insiders would want to gag Mr Gachagua, as he isn’t an ordinary man.

When other children were being weaned on powdered milk and fortified porridge, Mr Gachagua, being a grandson of Mau Mau, was weaned on gunpowder and bush-war tactics.

He can fight his own battles with his eyes closed, and that’s not the only reason hustlers need him to fight liars in government.

With Mr Gachagua’s office right across the road to the President’s, he is best placed to check through his window to see if the President is at his desk. 

In this painful era of austerity, whoever is still in the field campaigning must be flagged as a ghost worker.

It helps that Mr Gachagua is a prayerful man who only sees alcohol on television.

He can keep vigil the whole night and report to Kenyans on who’s been coming to the office late.

Media appearances

Those strategic communication vultures – who have been circling over Mr Gachagua’s head advising him to stop making media appearances because he is damaging his standing in society – would be happy to know that Mr Gachagua doesn’t need to stand if that’s what will make his detractors happy.

From his last TV interview, he has proven that he can sit and chew gum at the same time.

Mr Gachagua has proven beyond reasonable doubt that he doesn’t need a media handler.

Handlers are for those requiring help, and our guy wasn’t born a beggar. If you doubt him ask Uhuru Kenyatta.

Anyone looking for a polished government officer who carefully chooses their words should look for someone else to be their opposition leader. As for me and the hustler nation, we will serve Riggy G.

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