Hustler Nation shareholders advised to ignore 3 scary options given to those making some noise

The hustler government wishes to bring to the attention of Kenyans that we have been fully apprised of attempts by the deposed president of Gabon, Ali Bongo, to incite hustlers in Kenya to make some noise in defence of the Constitution, the rule of law and the restoration of business as usual.

We wish to announce that, while our sense of humanity may be tempted to share the pain with those who consider the presidency as their birthright, we’re inclined to let the victims face their own music alone to show the extent to which the hustler agenda has inspired popular uprising among the Mama Mboga and Boda Boda people of Africa who have suffered the indignity of living under entitled rulers who do not care them and their poverty-stricken children.

Blessed are those borrowing from our example in kicking sons and daughters of dynasties out of political office around the world, for they shall taste real freedom in six months’ time, which is historic.

We have issued this statement early in the day to warn those notorious governance experts and political risk analysts, who may be tempted to remind us of what the Constitution says about observing the rule of law in solving political disputes, that only three options are available to them, and we need not repeat them here as Kenyans have no known record of being slow learners.

The hustler nation remains firmly convinced that any African president who can neither buy members of the opposition nor celebrate security forces who shoot dead unarmed street protesters does not deserve to be helped by God when his people tether him to the four corners of his living room to make some noise on social media.

It’s our sincere belief that African leaders have been reading hustlers’ writing on the wall, but if they need a crash course on how to intimidate the public from going to the streets, we’re ready to do the Lord’s work.

As Kenya marks the 13th anniversary of the 2010 Constitution, the hustler government recognises the need for us to inform Kenyans of the milestones we have achieved in reminding those who were born after the return of multiparty democracy of the dark days their parents lived under, and the survival tactics they adopted to ensure they did not find themselves standing in neck-deep icy waters at the Nyayo torture chambers.

Therefore, those constitutional experts holding advocacy seminars themed around the 13th anniversary of the Constitution are hereby reminded not to bore us with lectures on how we have the most progressive constitution that guards against the recklessness of state power when everyone knows that leaders are chosen by God to run the government with the help of their shareholders, and anyone who isn’t happy with that spiritual arrangement should wait for 2027 when we will beat them again.

Moreover, the whole world witnessed the handing over of the sword and the giant Constitution to only one person on inauguration day last year, and it wasn’t those legal experts who have been advising us on adhering to the rule of law in our quest to fight cartels in the agriculture sector, and officers who collude with them to fix cases in the Judiciary.

Those claiming that our three-way ultimatum to those giving us heartburn was in bad taste, and does not depict the national honour and dignity expected of the occupant of the Office of the President, have clearly not been president themselves and should work on their lack of personal ambition first. There is a reason the Constitution provides for prosecutorial immunity for a sitting head of state. But those who don’t believe in God will never get to experience the soft life, which is why all they’re left with is teach us how to do our work – work they couldn’t be considered for by voters in the first place.

The hustler government is not amenable to teaching slow learners how to read the mood of hustlers and serenading them with sweet music to dance to the ballot booth before thanking them for doing business. But when we stand on sunroofs to remind those dynastic children that making some noise will not get them anywhere near power again, they’re quick to accuse us of lacking in class – you’d think oral hygiene is mandatory for one to run for public office in Kenya. However, we’re all aware that for every rule, there must be a silver lining; and this latest triple threat from our God’s chosen president is no exception.

The hustler government wishes to inform our shareholders worried about this latest crackdown that they should contact their doctors to start weaning them off blood pressure medication with immediate effect, as these threats only apply to sons and daughters of dynasties who neither voted for us nor believe in the power of God to elevate the child of a nobody from opposing the Constitution to being entrusted to implement it. We have taken these drastic measures to give back to our shareholders a slice of the love they showed us at the ballot. Without you teaming up with God and His Angels to bless us with this unbelievable miracle, some of us would be in and out of the courts battling to save ourselves from being chosen to eat rice and beef stew in Kamiti.

Governance experts who may be tempted to find this preferential treatment towards our shareholders a kick in the teeth of national cohesion, are reminded that the same Constitution they’re reading from is very clear in whose office the power of mercy is vested. So, as we go through the list of those who stood by us and repay them for their sacrifice when sons and daughters of dynasties wanted to finish us, we wish to reiterate to those who invested in the hustler government that while on others thou art calling, we shall not pass them not. All our shareholders, especially those who may have helped themselves with public money, are advised to present their shareholding credentials to the Power of Mercy Committee and we shall give them rest.

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