Governors must be applauded for allowing truthful men in the Devolution Conference

The Council of Governors must be applauded for allowing truthful men in the Devolution Conference Programme.

The hustler government wishes to extend our sincere gratitude to His Excellency Raila Amolo Odinga for not being excellent with his choice of words during his keynote speech at the Devolution Conference two days ago.

After the Finland Scholarship victims had abandoned their initial plan to bring the much needed life with the mother of all protests, we were worried the conference would be reduced to a boring talk shop packed with lofty corporate lingo, mostly spoken through the nose, and out of reach of Mama Mboga whose sweat we had used to oil the machines that brought us to and from Eldoret.

For borrowing a leaf from Deputy President Rigathi Gachagua and choosing to be a truthful man, we thank the former Prime Minister for giving the conference the much needed viewership to cross the target of being considered as a monumental success, at a time some global cryptocurrency organisations have been sneaking into our country to buy the same eyeballs without government approval.

Had Mr Odinga not have taken his time to work up the crowd with his upper cut remarks before dropping the mic at the foot of Her Excellency Meg Whitman, delegates who had paid top dollar for ringside seats would have swamped the refund desk with sufurias on their heads.

Because of that corrosive speech to the United States Ambassador in Nairobi, the hustler government has been advised to hire a competent PR firm to assist the Ministry of Foreign Affairs apply cold water on burnt areas and assure members of the diplomatic corps that the hustler government had nothing to do with the contents of his address, even though we had assured all participants we would vet all keynote speeches beforehand.

Anyone who creates jobs for hustlers deserves government support, and we promise to reciprocate this gesture of goodwill during the bipartisan talks currently about to get off the blocks.

The hustler government wishes to take this earliest opportunity to advise members of the public against listening to anyone who claims to have gone to the Devolution Conference to hear Governors give a report card of how they have been taking care of public money since devolution officially kicked in ten years ago.

To begin with, all hustlers know that we found an empty treasury leaving Governors with no money to take care of.

Before the conference began, many self-proclaimed governance experts had hogged media forums warning those ploughing their energies that the Devolution Conference was going to be just another expensive meetup of friends in high places to catch up on the latest trends in fashion, preach water and drink wine, and return to ask their colleagues to choose which photo they took with the president that should make it to the office wall.

These governance witchdoctors had also predicted that the conference organising committee would strike out any presentation that threatened to ask those in charge of devolution funds to open their stomachs for hustlers to see something.

After seeing Senator Jackson Mandago rocking handcuffs for embarrassing the president in his hometown, we can now authoritatively report that the Bible was right that the devil is a liar; and not everyone who calls themselves experts will enter the kingdom of heaven.

There also have been accusations from enemies of devolution that the Governors have nothing to show for the funds they’ve been receiving since Kenyans went to the ballot to approve the devolved system of government.

The hustler government understands that hustlers are still not satisfied with the current show of material power whenever Governors hit the road to commission a village tap.

To cure this public apprehension once and for all, we promise to review the devolution funding model with a view of increasing the equitable share to Counties to enable them stretch the fleet of high end guzzlers in the Governors’ convoy to enhance visibility and spread fear among their opponents.

Whoever timed the incarceration of Mr Mandago to coincide with the climax of the conference in his hometown has to be the greatest political strategist since Sun Tzu.

By waiting for Governors to take their seats in the main tent before showing their former colleague coiled inside a tinted Subaru Outback being driven like a bag of perishable miraa, the message was clear that the era of using the DCI to sell fear did not end with that Kinoti man.

It did not help calm nerves when the president made a detour at a packed street gathering to announce his official refusal to emulate Simon of Cyrene, warning Governors harvesting where they did not plant with subsidized fertilizers to carry their own cross.

While Governors may be tempted to dismiss the president for boring them with the same threats since the Bible descended from his hands one year ago, it may be circumspect not to volunteer to be used as an example.

Events from the past month has shown us that those who fear locking eyes with a Subaru Outback and those who fear God belong to the same blessed group that will inherit the Earth when Jesus returns to judge the living and the dead.

For that scary reason alone, Governors are justified to ask why they’re suddenly being held to a higher standard of integrity when other leaders are not only allowed to uproot goalposts but to shift them at their convenience while claiming to be implementing the one government approach.

If the Health Cabinet Secretary can assume the role of her Interior colleague and fire the Officer Commanding Station at a roadside gathering, Governors should also, surely, get away with lightening the burden of MPs by appropriating development funding to their personal projects without being expected to pray five times while facing State House Road.

[email protected]