Under pressure to get married? Read ‘Yinka, where is your husband?’

The book Yinka, where is your husband? was sold out in all the major bookshops I checked last March.

“I think all book clubs in Nairobi are reading that book!” quipped one shop attendant after reading my frustration when she told me the book was out of stock.

The novel by Lizzie Damilola Blackburn tells the story of a 31-year-old South Londoner who is under pressure to get married. She loses herself in the process, before thankfully finding her way back.

I think the book was a hit because many women, young and old, are under undue pressure to get married...and bought the book because they could relate to the title.

I have had my fair share of coercion, mildly though, but sometimes it's a bit annoying. But for the most part, it is not a big deal because, to use the famous phrase, “people who matter don't mind and those who mind don’t matter.”

Anyway, back to Yinka, the protagonist of my book club selection for last month. It did not take long after I started reading for me to make a few conclusions. One, the writer and designer had the multimedia reader in mind while putting together the book. You will experience WhatsApp, a Google search, and even strategy design while reading that book.

Secondly, the characters are recognisable – the book rides on the back of a strong female friendship – Yinka and her close friends. Their bond goes through ups and downs but ends up with them stronger than they were at the beginning of the book.

Lessons

So no, do not read this book if you are looking for something to validate the warped thinking that women are their worst enemies.
Here are my lessons from Yinka, where is your husband? (I will try not to include spoilers – but, no promises).

Firstly, some people will get married before you; run your race. No matter what you hear, marriage is not a competition.

From the age of 27, you may notice that your friends have started getting married. Or getting engaged. Or being in serious relationships. I mean, if there is someone in your life you want to marry, by all means, go ahead.

However, if like Yinka you do not even have a boyfriend, do not sweat it. This is not the time to sign up for a dating site if that is not your style or go out with a guy whose values do not match yours, just because you are looking for an emergency boyfriend.

If Yinka is anything to go by, you run the risk of compromising your principles for something that may just turn out to be a pile of rubbish. Oops! I said it out loud!

Secondly, some of the people pressuring you to get married are projecting their own battles. Do not take it personally. Yinka’s mother put so much pressure on her to get married.

At some point, Yinka deliberately avoided her mother’s company. Turns out, her mother, a widow, had experienced deep loneliness since the passing of her husband.

So this then manifests in the pressure she puts on her daughter to get married so that she does not become lonely like her. Please note: Yinka has not refused to get married – Yinka has simply not met someone she wants to marry. And it took pages upon pages for that to sink into her mother’s brain.

Embracing passion

Finally, embrace your core passions. One of the biggest changes that happen to Yinka in the course of the book is her decision to switch careers. She moved from working in investment banking where she only seemed to remain because it was a serious-sounding career for the big brain she was. She agonised but eventually, with the help of a friend, she made the transition to the non-profit world – a profession where her heart truly belonged.

The real final one: Seek help. Yinka winds up seeing a therapist because she was losing herself in this madness to find a husband. It is the therapist that guides her back to her core.

I believe the Sh1,650 I spent on that book was worth it. It is also a book I intend to reread because of the conversational tone the author uses and, of course, the contemporary nature of the themes explored in the book.

Have you read the book? What was your biggest takeaway?

The writer is the research editor at NMG ([email protected]).