The silent killer of Kenyan marriages - and it's not what you think
A stressed man. Counselling psychologist Daniel Kariuki, warns of the consequences of ignoring men's work-related stress.
What you need to know:
- Most Kenyan men in high-pressure jobs are struggling with work-related stress, often feeling unable to share their burdens with their wives due to fears of misunderstanding or conflict.
- This inability to communicate leads some men to seek emotional support elsewhere or suffer in silence, potentially damaging their marriages and mental health.
Chris* often finds himself caught between professional demands and personal peace. With 14 years of experience in communications and public relations (PR), he faces significant challenges that he feels unable to share with his wife, fearing accusations of "office infidelity."
"My boss frequently keeps me late to finish work that could easily be completed the next day," says Chris, who leads a communication unit at a PR firm.
"I'm supposed to be in the office by 8am and leave at 5pm, but I often don't get home until 11pm."
Junior staff
Office politics and disrespect from subordinates compound his distress. When his team fails to meet monthly targets — often due to uncontrollable circumstances like illness or competitors poaching clients — his boss harshly reprimands him in front of junior staff.
"Initially, I'd call my wife to share my troubles, but she only made things worse," Chris recalls. "She'd demand to know about my relationships at work and threaten to confront my colleagues."
Feeling that confiding in his wife wasn't an option, Chris found solace in a romantic relationship with another woman he describes as caring and understanding.
"With my wife, I'd rather kufa kifo cha mende (suffer in silence) than share my burdens," he admits. "Instead of offering support, she makes me feel victimised for being overwhelmed by work stress."
Chris's experience isn't unique. George*, a bank manager at a fast-paced institution, faces even greater pressure.
"I have to explain non-performing loans and low loan uptake, especially when the economy is struggling," he says.
"These external factors are beyond my control, yet I bear the consequences."
To cope, George finds relief in dancing to contemporary Kalenjin songs and singing passionately during church services. His routine family devotions typically last 15 minutes, but when stressed, he often extends his singing for more than five minutes. He also decompresses by watching Arsenal play and chatting with friends.
"I noticed my wife became more worried when I shared my struggles, so I stopped," he states. "I keep smiling when my family is around, but inside, I'm burning and feel like I'm about to explode."
Work-related stress is a harsh reality, often contributing to domestic violence and depression. Men frequently lack the support they need to navigate these challenges.
According to the Ministry of Health, around 25 per cent of outpatients and up to 40 per cent of inpatients in healthcare facilities suffer from mental health issues, with depression, substance abuse, and anxiety disorders being the most common diagnoses.
Read also: Why men must stay close to each other
The Kenya Mental Health Policy (2015-2030) calls for workplaces to implement programs helping employees manage stressful situations. Mental health advocates emphasise that spouses should be the first line of support.
"I've handled cases where a wife's response exacerbated the husband's stressful situation, ultimately leading to his dismissal," says Fanuel Demesi, a pastor at Friends International Centre Church, who often counsels men.
"We encourage spouses to listen and provide necessary support. Men, too, are human and need comfort and guidance during difficult times."
Mental wellness
Counselling psychologist Daniel Kariuki, warns of the consequences of ignoring men's work-related stress.
"When under pressure, many men lash out at those closest to them: their wives or children," he explains. "Mental health is a critical issue that cannot be overlooked. Awareness and counselling are essential."
Meanwhile, Chris hopes for a future where workplaces have mental wellness centres where men can seek help without shame.
"Men shouldn't allow society to restrict their productivity. Failing to perform optimally is not in anyone's interest. Seeking help from the right sources is vital; turning to alcohol or drugs only leads to self-destruction," he emphasises.
