My matatu adventures: The scary, the funny and the bad

There is an important rite of passage for everyone who lives in Nairobi. Do not jump from being chaperoned to church and to school, to using cabs as you wait to afford your own car.

Use mathrees, also called mats or matatus, to get around. Hopping onto matatus here and there will bring you closer to the soul of Nairobi.

The first time I saw someone chew miraa was in an Ongata Rongai-bound matatu. I was 18, still learning my way around Nairobi, unaccompanied.

I sat next to a man who was eating what seemed like grass, out of a black paper bag – that was before the ban on plastic bags.

In the bluish flickering lights, I couldn’t make out exactly what it was but knew it was either grass or one of the raw kienyeji vegetables like seveve.

Alarmed, I texted one of my younger uncles. “Msee amekaa kando yangu kwa mat anakula nyasi (The person sitting next to me in the matatu is eating grass).”

Those were the days of ‘masaa ya kubamba na Safaricom’, so almost everyone had unlimited free text messages from Safaricom. Without missing a heartbeat, my uncle replied: “You are probably sitting next to a goat.”

That incident was my beginning of witnessing drama in matatus. The second incident happened two or so years later. I was sitting next to a man who was typing furiously on his phone. He had a big smartphone.

In those days, I had neither bought earphones nor learnt to play music and mind my business while in mats. So what did I do? I tried to figure out what that guy was typing on his phone. It was a struggle.

When I eventually succeeded, I read a line of explicit content. I can’t write here because my editor will strike it out.

But I know you will understand when I say the guy was sexting, probably with his wife or girlfriend. That was the last time I tried to read someone else’s messages. To this day, I have a trauma response whenever someone gives me their phone to read a message.

Well, the year is 2023 and I have grown both in wisdom and stature… I know what miraa looks like and I no longer have the bad manners of peeking at other people’s phones, all thanks to matatu rides.

Besides the rainy days, which, somehow, swallow vehicles (why are mats usually few when it starts raining?) and the phone thieves who disproportionately target passengers in public service vehicles, and the occasional pickpockets, every matatu ride is a potential adventure.

But as I said, this is 2023 and there are things civilised human beings should not be doing in a matatu.

Last weekend, I got a medal after participating in a marathon. Everyone who participated in the marathon got a medal, please stand guided. I do not have any running talent.

On my way home, the medal was proudly displayed on my chest. Then I get into a matatu back to my house and the guy next to me makes a beeline for my chest, to touch and see the medal. Excuse me? Ever heard something called personal space?

I violently pushed that man’s hand away from my chest. In his defence, he said he only wanted to admire my medal. Heh! Whatever you do, do not touch people you do not know. And even if you know them, first ask if they are okay with the activities of your hands.

As a nation, we also need to pray against that spirit that makes us discuss intricate, private things in matatus. The guys who sat next to me on Wednesday evening had a tiff with his wife. From the outburst he was having, he had called his wife several times and she did not pick up.

“Is there a point of you having a phone?” he said as he sat down.

At first I thought he was speaking to me. The conversation went on for a few minutes before he angrily cut the call. The wife called back and he seemed to get more annoyed with her and he asked her to hang up on the pretext that he needed to use M-Pesa to pay bus fare.

I was relieved at this point because I was feeling embarrassed on his behalf, airing details about his life like that. Well, maybe he doesn’t mind. But as one of my uni professors would say, “even if he has no shame, some of us do.”

This final one will be brief. Except it is extremely urgent and your life depends on it, quit trying to speak to matatu seatmates who are not responsive to you. Especially if they have earphones on.

I know you were raised well and you say good morning to everyone and you are very extroverted and your mission on earth is to spread sunshine…but do not force conversations with people who just want to go home, or get to work in the morning.

What is a weird thing you see people doing in matatus that should stop?

The writer is the Research & Impact Editor, NMG ([email protected]).