Beauty queen: How porn revenge dethroned me

They warm their way into your heart by feigning friendship and romance, they lift your spirits and sweep you off your feet, they share your joys, sorrows, hopes and dreams and just when you let your walls down - they strike.

You are in anguish and embarrassed, your dignity and privacy have been violated, your intimacy laid bare for the whole internet to witness. But what could have possibly prepared you for that betrayal? Who would have warned you, that your lover would turn a foe?

Partners who reveal sexually explicit images or videos of their lovers on the internet without their consent are privacy intruders who break their mates’ trust and cause distress and humiliation.

Revenge porn has been rampant in the recent past due to rapid internet penetration that has created a new arena for the new form of gender-based violence to fester. This new entrant has heavily affected young women who are the heaviest users of social media.

Social activist

Jane Rose*, a former Miss Tourism in one of our counties and a social activist, knows all too well the toll that revenge porn has taken on her.

Rose was the crowned the county Miss Tourism two years ago. She swiftly embarked on community work in her county, working with partners including a leading publisher, to improve literacy levels in her county living true to the principle of beauty with purpose.

Thereafter, she met a man on Facebook, they broke ice over the messenger app and a friendship quickly blossomed. He was supportive of her dreams and ambitions and was always ready to lend her a hand whenever she needed it.

“It’s so difficult to find a man who believes in your dreams and ambitions. He believed in me, he was supportive of my goals and that was what I found attractive about him,” Rose recounts.

The man, Bokelo*, lives out of the country. Theirs was a long distant relationship so they could only be intimate online over video calls and sharing pictures. Everything seemed rosy until Bokelo started making demands. He wanted to marry Ms Rose who was only 23.

The beauty queen was not willing to get married to Bokelo since they had only known each other for two months.

Intimate moments

“I was too young and still in campus. I was not ready to get married,” Rose tells the nation.africa.

Her reluctance to get married angered Bokelo who started blackmailing her with videos and pictures of their intimate moments.

“He told me that if I did not accept to get married to him, he would leak my nude pictures online. I was devastated,” Rose alleges.

After one month in anguish and anxiety, she finally got the courage to tell Bokelo that she was not ready to marry him even though he was coercing her.

She spent the next few days suffering mild depression as she knew what Bokelo would do. Days later, true to his word, Bokelo launched an online coordinated attack using bloggers to spread her nudes online. They were distributed on Facebook, Telegram, You tube and WhatsApp groups.

Most of the platforms took down the content as it violated their guidelines but the damage had already been done - Rose’s nude pictures had been laid bare before the world and there was nothing she could do about it.

“I was cyberbullied a lot. People objectified my body and picked out faults about my body that I never even knew I had,” Rose recounts.

“Apart from being body shamed, my family was insulted over their parenting skills. I was blamed for what Bokelo did to me.”

Nude pictures

For the next couple of weeks, Rose would be a robot of sorts. She could barely eat or sleep. Her mother sent her younger brother to stay with her to ensure she was okay.

“I was in survival mode. I would go to work in shades because I thought everyone had seen my pictures and was judging me,” Rose states.

Bokelo went to the great lengths of sending the nude pictures to her employer and the brands she worked with, she adds.

The tourism docket in the county got wind of the scandal and decided to hold fresh auditions for Miss Tourism without informing Rose, who had not completed her reign.

In September, 2020, the county crowned a new Miss Tourism, way before the end of Rose’s reign.

Other brands, however, stood by her despite the scandalous situation she was in.

“The publisher I worked with called me for a meeting and I explained what happened and they were very understanding. My boss was also very supportive,” she says.

Faith Masambia, a psychologist at Nairobi Mental Health Clinic opines on the adverse effects of revenge porn.

“Victims of revenge porn suffer immense shame. The shame is often targeted against women to devalue them. The individual may suffer depressive episodes, humiliation and suicidal thoughts,” she tells nation.africa. 

Ms Masambia says most victims rarely report the violations as society doesn’t regard revenge porn as violence.

Professional counselling

“Most victims are blamed for the violation even though the images are shared with people that the victim never consented to,” she states.

She urges victims of revenge porn to seek professional counselling.

Rose’s case is not an isolated incidence. Social media platforms are flooded with viral images of non-consensually shared intimate images.

Roshanara Ebrahim, was also dethroned by Miss World Beauty Pageant on claims that she had violated their code of conduct after her ex-boyfriend leaked her nudes to the organisers of the event.

Kenya’s legal framework has criminalised revenge porn. The constitution provides for the right to privacy in Article 31 and the Computer Cybercrimes and Misuse Act 2018, expressly prohibits it in section 37. However, the implementation of the law has proven to be difficult with victims finding it hard to access justice.

Diana Mwanzia, an advocate who litigates gender matters tells nation.africa that there are a lot of limitations that discourage victims form reporting revenge porn.

“Most victims are turned away at police stations. Police officers do not take the matter seriously as they would physical forms of abuse. The police officers would tell the victims, “Hii ni mambo ya nyumbani” (This is a domestic issue)’’

In cases where victims institute legal proceedings, the thought of re-living the abuse is traumatising. Even then, the limitation periods in defamation law discourages victims. Litigation is also expensive and most vulnerable women cannot afford court fees or even a lawyer.

Ms Mwanzia calls for sensitisation on revenge porn.

“There should be a lot of public awareness on the issue as most people do not regard emotional abuse as gender-based violence,” she adds.

Healing journey

For Rose, the experience shook her to the roots of her existence. She never would have envisaged such an immense betrayal from a lover.

She has channelled the experience to community and social activism work in her county where she champions menstrual health and literacy programs.

“I do not want that experience to define me. Healing is a journey, some days I am okay but other days, memories come rushing in and in that moment, I am taken back to that time where the internet peered through my very existence,” Rose says.

(Some names changed to protect the source)

[email protected]