The ‘Uko na charger’ generation

Once upon a time, we would ask for water or tea when we went visiting but these days, we ask for a cell phone charger.

Our lives are literally controlled by that long black cable. A horror story today is not a ghost under your bed but your phone alerting you that you are low on charge.

They are mobile phones but we may as well call them landlines and move on. Even landlines are laughing at us because we ditched them for mobile phones that can barely make it through a day.

Before, the scariest thing that could happen to you was finding 15 missed calls from your mother, or realising you just sent a lot of money to the wrong number.

Today, 15 missed calls from mum will still send your heart to your mouth but the second thing is low battery. We all literally want to cry when our phone blinks and gives the “plug your phone in a charger” message.

PHONE CHARGING
We do not care where we are, we will start looking for an electric socket. Next time you see your girl talking to a DJ at the club, don’t worry, she is not trying to get his number, she just wants to know if he can “please, please niwekee hii kwa charger, iko karibu ku die.”

Check below the DJ’s deck and you will see like 900 phones all getting juiced up as their owners are either breaking a leg on the dance floor or waiting anxiously two feet away.

You walk into a restaurant and before you can even look at the menu, someone is already asking where their sockets are or if they have “charger ya pin ndogo”.

Anybody with a computer must have a USB cable not for transferring files, but for charging phones. Even bus companies these days have to tell you they have phone chargers so as to entice you, and will even charge you Sh500 more for the service, and you won’t mind.

Friends walk into your house and immediately after removing their shoes, head straight to the TV because they know that is where their phone’s life support ward is.

I have friends whose favourite spot in my house is next to the adapter because their phones are thirstier than a 100 Elburgon donkeys.

PICKING UP GIRLS
Phones chargers replaced cigarettes for many of us. It is the easiest way to make friends these days. It is actually an easier way of picking up girls.

According to my own research, two out of every three girls carry a phone charger. Don’t argue, it’s science people. Turn to the girl next to you and ask her if she has a charger and the answer will be yes. Do it now.

Very soon, you will hear of love stories that were ignited by a charger. “I was at the club and my phone was dying and this knight in shining showed up just in time, took my phone, plugged it in and five years later, here we are.”

Also expect divorce rates brought about by nothing but that long cable.

“My phone was at one per cent, I asked her to plug it in for me, she said yes but she did not do it. I cannot trust such a person, that is someone who is capable of killing you in your sleep. Who does that to a phone? I am done!”

CAMPAIGN STRATEGY
Politicians are about to use it as a campaign strategy. “If elected, there will be two chargers for every citizen and even a power bank for days when there are blackouts. It is time to recharge your life. Vote for Philip Mwaniki.”

The power bank industry is fast becoming a multi-billion shilling industry because phone makers cannot seem to come up with a phone battery that lasts more than a full clock cycle.

Smart phones with dumb batteries is our motto these days.

You would rather forget your wallet at home but not a charger. It is out of the question. I guess it is a new challenge for our generation and one that, while proving to adapt very fast, we are not really excelling at.

Just making us unbearable guests and utter morons when the phone finally runs out of juice. Good times!