The phone or your spouse?

It was getting dark. I checked the time; it was 6.50pm. I switched on the lights but alas, there was no electricity, thanks to the power rationing that had just been commissioned.

Darkness was quickly setting in the clinic. The most logical thing to do was to close up and go home. But the next patient in the queue would not hear it. “Mine is a quick one but urgent,” she said, pushing her way through the half open door.

“I hear you madam but as you realise I will not be able to help you. It is dark,” I pleaded, hoping she would realise that good lighting is key to patient-doctor conversations and medical examination.

“I don’t expect you to examine me, it is not about me. Just give me some attention please,” she insisted as she made herself comfortable in the consultation seat. I gave in and sunk back into the doctor’s seat.

“My name is Rossy and I have this question that has disturbed me over the last few months,” she started.

"Tell me, is it normal for a man to talk on the phone while having sex with his wife?” she dropped the bombshell. “I am not complaining, I just need to be educated; my husband has made it a habit and it drives me crazy.”

HAPPY RELATIONSHIP
She had been married for three years. She and her husband, John, had had a happy relationship for the first two years. The third year became a challenge. They rarely had sex and whenever it happened, there were multiple phone interruptions.

“It is frustrating, to say the least,” she poured out her heart. “I cannot take it anymore. If he cannot change I will just have to leave.”

The problem started when John bought a smart phone. It became his toy, and he would play games, chat, make and receive calls for hours on end. He got engrossed with it at the expense of Rossy and their only child.

“But for me the most disturbing thing is when he takes a call and begins to talk and laugh loudly in the middle of our intimate moments. I just can’t believe this happens to me,” said Rossy covering her face to hide tears.

As of December 2014, reports show that at least 20 per cent of Americans have talked on their phones at least once while having sex.

This figure may be higher or lower in other populations but there have not been studies to investigate it. It is also expected that the trend will increase in future with more people texting, chatting on WhatsApp and Line, and discussing business as they ‘enjoy’ intercourse.
In such situations, a partner who is on the phone is forced to emotionally disconnect from the act for the time being, disengage and engage business gear.

Depending on how stressful the conversation or chat turns out to be, the man may lose his erection or the woman her lubrication.

The partner who is not on phone loses concentration and feels frustrated. They feel used and uncared for. They disengage emotionally. Even when action resumes, they may not enjoy the rest of it.

Other studies have found that using a mobile phone while intimate with a partner reduces trust, empathy and quality of conversation between the partners.

The mood of one or both partners may change instantly with the desire for closeness changing to hate.

“Sometimes I feel like also calling a friend for a chat while we are at it so that he experiences what I go through,” Rossy said.

However, I advised her against this. evenge has never built relationships. The solution is to have an open discussion and agree on phone etiquette.

You need to set rules about the use of technology at family time. Further, the phone should ideally be kept away from the bed to avoid the temptation of answering it when it rings.

It is best is to switch the phone off unless you are in a profession that requires that you are consulted at odd hours of the day. Remember, it is the phone or your spouse; you cannot have your cake and eat it.