When are we really ready for marriage?

Years ago, people were ready to marry when their families said they were. Or they’d acquired some land and own a few cows. All very practical and unromantic. But since then we’ve come to believe that we should only marry when we’ve fallen deeply in love.

That’s a lovely idea, of course, but it doesn’t seem to have made couples any happier.

So when are you really ready for marriage, in today’s modern world?

You’re not ready until you’ve realised that there’s no such thing as a perfect partner. That real spouses can be difficult, irritating and irrational on occasions. You only learn that by dating enough people, so that you understand that everyone’s a bit weird when you get close to them. Including yourself!

Because even you can be irrational, become anxious or insecure, or let your emotions get out of control at times, can’t you? You’re not ready to marry until you’ve fully acknowledged your own bad habits, and have begun taking responsibility for them.

Love usually starts when you meet someone who likes the same jokes as you, who hates the same politicians, shares broadly similar interests, and somehow you click in bed. But that honeymoon phase doesn’t last long. Because marriage isn’t about finding someone who’s a match, but about learning to cope with your differences. Attachment creates compatibility, not the other way round.

You also need to realise that it’s not your partner’s fault when they don’t understand your feelings because no one can read minds. Instead, it’s your job to explain your feelings to your partner.

And what is love anyway? We first learn about it as children. Children think love is having someone who’ll feed and entertain them, cope with their tantrums, and keep the house clean, so when adults first say they want someone who will love them, that’s what they’re really looking for.

But one-sided love like that doesn’t work for grown-ups. You have to delight in caring for each other. That’s the only kind of relationship worth having.

Which means that what couples actually do together is much more like running a small business than love and passion! Endless planning, budgeting, purchasing, cooking and cleaning. Not romantic at all. So you’re only ready to get married once you understand how much work it all takes!

You also need to know whether you’re sexually compatible. Even if your partner’s wonderful in every other way, you’ll regret getting married if the sex is awful.

And sadly, you also need to understand just how likely it is that one of you will have an affair. You need to be prepared to use all your willpower to resist the urge to have sex with anyone else. And to be prepared to react with amazing patience and forgiveness if it’s your partner who strays.

Because being ready to marry is far more complicated than it seems. And more about becoming a mature adult than falling in love.