Over the years, the cherished tradition of family get togethers has faded into mere memories.
Remember the times when family get-togethers filled homes with laughter, shared stories, and the warmth of togetherness?
Perhaps you have heard: Kenyans are now having fewer family gatherings, on average, than they used to when patriarchs and matriarchs held the bond steady.
Along the journey of life, this cherished tradition faded into mere memories. Today, within many families, relatives occupy a weird place. Some people see relatives as strangers.
Some relatives live in the same town but have never introduced their children to each other.
This has been the case with Queen Sounter’s family.
The 27-year-old recalls that growing up, she was literally brought up by a whole community.
“Our family house was such that in one compound there were four houses for my great-grandparents and three of my maternal grandparents. So, some of my cousins, aunts, and uncles were all in one compound,” she says.
Sounter, an accountant, reminisces that on every December holiday, her great-grandfather would host their annual get-togethers, welcoming relatives from different parts of Kenya.
“Bulls would be slaughtered, and all manner of foods would be cooked, from chapati to pilau, beef stew, and nyama choma. We would just have fun and catch up with everyone, sharing stories about how the year had been. Of course, us children would be mischievous playing hide-and-seek with our parents,” she says.
However, the fun and laughter that came with get-togethers would come to an abrupt end when her great-grandpa passed away in 2006.
She says, “The issue of inheritance became the breaking point of everything. People born by the same mother could not withstand each other because of property.”
Then, Sounter was only nine years old, and she shares that the only time she remembers seeing almost all family members was in 2016, during her mother’s burial.
“Even then, not everyone came. A few cousins stayed in touch but slowly lost contact, and I can tell you for free that we only see each other on social media: Facebook and Instagram.”
So disintegrated did Sounter’s family become to the extent that they can no longer sit in one sitting and talk like civilised people.
“The love that was there, the teamwork that was there… when you have a problem, you cannot even call your relative because you do not know them and the few that you know, they just do not care.”
Sounter notes that reviving the get-togethers is like putting Humpty Dumpty back together again because their parents created enmity and passed it on.
“That lack of togetherness forced me to opt for a civil wedding instead of the usual colourful ceremony because even the bride price negotiations were difficult to have. Convincing all my uncles to sit amicably was a problem. I wish that we can at least meet for a day as a family and not as rivals for only a day,” she says.
Like Sounter, the script is no different with Felister Muthoni. The 29-year-old makeup artist shares that the last time her family held a get-together was in 2013.
“Apart from the unlimited variety of food, we used to light up bonfires at night that were age-dependent. Cousins had theirs; aunts and uncles had their own separate ones. These get-togethers were organised by our parents, with our grandparents hosting all of us,” she recalls.
However, when her grandfather got sick and passed on, the get-togethers slowed down until they ended completely.
“Money became the problem. Relatives started comparing the contributions each family was giving for his hospital bills and care. Not everyone was in a position to give the amount they had suggested, so they started pointing fingers at one another.”
As a result, family unity took a blow, with young Felista and her cousins doing what their parents told them to.
“We could not spend time with our cousins anymore. It created a very big gap between us and our cousins. We have never been close,” she says.
Additionally, she admits that, even though one can try to bring back the cherished get-togethers, the damage was done.
“Everyone’s parents told them something bad about another family. They poisoned all of us.”
A thorn in Felista’s flesh regarding the get-togethers is that her children have never been introduced to her extended family.
“They do not know them. They cannot learn about our traditions because it is in those family gatherings that we used to learn a thing or two about them.”
For Oscar Musonye, 37, get-togethers have never been with his extended family, only his immediate ones.
“For us, it was just us (my siblings and our mum. We have never had one with uncles, or aunts…we come from a polygamous home so that was not possible. My dad’s home had 52 children; 40 brothers and 12 sisters,” he says.
However, even their “small get-together” with his five siblings ended in 2013 after his mum passed away. He admits that his mum was the major reason they often met.
“I think several things contributed to this change, the greatest being that none of us had taken the initiative before. We had been banking on mum and it looked like we used to do this for her, and at her request. Also, I think we also sank into grief, considering mum died of cancer, and that took a toll on us for the one year she was hospitalised. Her demise affected us differently, and I noticed we all just went away with our spouses and children to heal and recollect,” he expounds.
Additionally, Oscar, an executive chef, shares that unlike them, who would request each other to meet up, his mum would order them to meet, and nobody would dare give an excuse — no matter how valid it was.
We asked him if they ever tried to revive the get-togethers?
“We tried to revive them but they have not been as effective as they used to be…So, we rely mostly on a WhatsApp group, which is not as active as we would desire,” he says.
With the lack of family get-togethers, Oscar, a father of five, shares that it has caused them not to be aware of each other’s well-being and brought a disconnect among children.
But what about when they ask about meeting up with their relatives?
“Of course, we have to lie to them that people are busy. So, we allow them to visit each other. For instance, my children visit my sister’s children and vice versa during holidays, but not us, the grown-ups.”
Because of the lack of unity as it was when his mum was alive, Oscar admits that he embraced friends more to cover the gap.
As a result, if he changed one thing about the way his family interacts, he would change their attitude toward prioritising family gatherings.
“I would also change the idea of just engaging online in WhatsApp groups and advocate for in-person meetings.”
Unlike Oscar, Milka Waithira, 29, used to rotate between her grandparents’ homes, from her parents, every school holiday.
Those gatherings saw gender roles come to light: her female relatives would cook while the male slaughtered animals. The highlight, apart from the buffet of food, was sitting around the fireplace and storytelling.
“Grandma was the one who used to organise these get-togethers on my mum’s side and grandpa on dad’s side,” she says.
According to Milka, a decline in the gatherings on her father’s side was when her cousins started to grow up and would be posted in jobs that were far away. Some started their own families and felt it was cumbersome to travel for get-togethers.
Divorce also came into play, fuelling the disintegration.
“On mum’s side, a family of seven (two sisters and five brothers), it was misunderstandings of uncles that trickled down to children. They disagreed about the ownership of the property of one of their brothers (my uncle), who had passed away. Some wanted to keep it to themselves; others fought for their sister-in-law.”
Hit by reality, Milka admits that everyone just continued on with their lives, with the family unity suffering the most.
However, intergenerational bonds, which were mostly created during family get-togethers, are tremendously meaningful. It somewhat ensured that cousins with completely different upbringings, and class backgrounds, ended up with the same family values and interests.
“You will find that in one family, there are people who are doing well financially and others are struggling, but because there is no unity and communication…you find that the thriving ones are growing with other people and not family,” says Milka.
Now, Milka shares that her family only meets during burials.
Asked whether she has personally tried to revive the get-togethers, she said: “Yes, I have thought about it but I think nowadays people are very busy; plus they feel as though you are bothering them. So, make a few phone calls to specific people and if they are doing okay, that’s it.”
Looking back, Milka, a chef, shares that she misses the stories they shared, harvesting and plucking fruits from the farm and taking walks with her cousins around the area. If she would change one thing about the way her family interacts now, she would solve the issues that caused the disunity.
Like Milka, Celestine Junior, 25, grew up seeing his family hold get-togethers. To him, what was fascinating about those days was them (him and his cousins) being dressed up the same.
Other than having a full feast, Celestine shares that they would play games like football with their relatives, both young and old, and as night approached, sit by his grandma.
“She would tell us stories about her upbringing and what she expected of us when we grew up,” he says.
To Celestine, a digital creator, the get-togethers were rotational; organised and hosted by his parents and their brothers and sisters.
“They still host, but the get-togethers do not feel the same as they did when we were growing up.”
Why so?
“We all matured and grew apart. All of our parents work in different industries.”
While Celestine cannot pinpoint an exact reason that led to the discontinuation of the gatherings, he says that nowadays, the get-togethers do not happen as often as they used to.
“Maybe in my own personal life, I can say, it was when I started pursuing digital creation and I focused so much on what I’m studying…such that when I’m invited to these gatherings, I cannot show up,” he admits.
Does he regret it?
“No. I feel like everything works for our good if by the end of the day, if you have good intentions, then in our future, we can have more celebrations.”
However, Celestine shares that the impact of not attending the get-togethers affected his relationship with them, as he has not spoken to some for years.
“And that is very dangerous!” he remarks.
Looking back, Celestine admits that he misses movie nights, where all his relatives would sit down and watch one movie.
Has the absence of family gatherings influenced his personal values and views on family traditions?
“To be honest”, he replies, “I have grown so much more without the family gatherings. I think accepting that you are different is a good thing. When you are in a large gathering, those are your kind, your people; but when you are out there, you realise that you are different from the entire world.”
