Why everyone's talking about love languages these days and do they really matter?

You may have first heard about love languages in one of the popular reality dating shows. Perhaps it was on Love is Blind or Ready to Love or even The Bachelorette. 

Then, posts and write-ups started popping up from everywhere you turned, and you wondered what’s the big deal about these so called love languages? Or is it just all hot air, with a few buzzwords? 

To understand the whole subject let’s start from the beginning. The five love languages came about courtesy of Dr. Gary Chapman when he published his book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate in 1992. The book has sold more than 15 million copies worldwide and has been translated into 50-plus languages.

Dr. Chapman, wrote that different people exhibit love and affection in five different ways, including: acts of service, quality time, receiving gifts, word of affirmation, or physical touch. According to him, knowing your love language allows you to comprehend what you need from your partners and helps you in narrowing down the pool of potential matches. Knowing both yours and your partner’s love languages increases a better understanding of each other’s needs.

If you are not in the know here is a run-down about each:

1. Acts of service:

You believe that actions speak louder than words. You value when your partner goes out of their way to make your life easier for you.

1. Quality time

You feel the most adored when your partner actively wants to spend time with you and is always down to hang out.

1. Receiving gifts

You feel loved when people give you "visual symbols of love," as Chapman calls it. It's not about the monetary value but the symbolic thought behind the item.

1. Word of affirmation

You value verbal acknowledgments of affection, including frequent "I love you's," compliments, words of appreciation, verbal encouragement, and often frequent digital communication like texting and social media engagement.

1. Physical touch

You feel loved through actions like kissing, holding hands, cuddling on the couch, and sex. 

But how do love languages work in real life? Could knowing your love language help you to navigate a relationship?  Can they really help you perfect your chemistry with your partner? And are there any caveats to using them?

We asked Benjamin Zulu, a life coach and a counselling psychologist, to talk to us through the basics. Here’s what he had to say.

Do love languages matter? 

Understand what ticks well for someone

We all need the five love languages at one time or another. For instance, if a person's preference love language is physical touch, one may opt for a massage but understanding the kind of touch that captures the individual matters. It’s key to understand what ticks well for someone. Study your partner in the journey of their life to know what works well for them.

Love language changes with time

Like most great things in life, love languages are not fixed. As your relationship grows and evolves, your love language changes too and your demands on time and goals changes. For example, a mother’s love language may change once she gets a child and she may treasure the act of service from her husband such as holding the child or the thoughtfulness of the child’s well-being. At this point of life, the husband should have an idea on what his wife’s love language is as a mother and carefully embrace the shift. Similarly, the man’s love language on having quality time and going for dates with the wife may change when he becomes a father.

Have a strong line of communication

We can’t expect our partners to be mind readers, so we have to talk to them. Each person has a different communication style and needs. Be clear when communicating with your partner about what you love, so that your message can be received and understood. When you are more aware of how you communicate, you will be able to have more control over what your partner loves and this will lead to a more fulfilling relationship. 

Be significant to your partner

Adding value to your relationship allows you to channel goodness towards others. Don’t struggle wondering what love language attracts your partner but rather create a healthy and more harmonious relationship which will eventually allow you to understand your partner better. Bring commitment and develop a strong bond with your partner and work hard to strengthen your similarities, interest, life values, and dreams. 

Acts of kindness, seeing your partner as different, and actively listening to what they need and want are significant skills of making any relationship thrive.

Not cast in stone

While Chapman’s theory explains different love languages that make a relationship thrive, people should understand that overall, they just give a map of what makes a successful relationship. A flourishing relationship should begin with the mindful practice of understanding our inner landscape and how to bring clearer, healthier, more receptive, and love to our relationships. It takes two to tango. Just like in the act of tango dancing, you can only keep interest in the relationship and your partner, if you purposely work together and keep the sparks going. The intrigue, integrity, and romance of the tango are essential aspects of the dance, and of your relationship. 

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