What is BDSM sex and is it for you?

George is a worried man. He came to the Sexology Clinic because of his wife’s sexual practices which he described as strange. He was convinced that his wife is possessed by demons. Before coming to the clinic, he had visited a pastor whom he believed had powers to cast demons. That was a year ago, but nothing had changed and in fact, things only seemed to get worse. He had contemplated divorce but wondered what he would give as the reason because some of the experiences were hard to explain.

“When we got married she would ask me to hit her behind with a shoe during our intimate moments,” George said, “I noted that she enjoyed it and would relax and enjoy the intimacy as a result, but I was not comfortable with the practice at all.”

Lydia, George’s wife, started making more demands. At one point she asked him to bite her back and insisted that it be done again and again and harder. She developed wounds as a result. Another time she asked George to prick her thighs with a pin and the more he did it the more she wanted it. She started bleeding and George told her that he couldn’t continue. She got annoyed.

George, a high school teacher, was 30 years old while Lydia, a marketer with a paints manufacturing company, was 27. The couple was in their third year of marriage. They had one child.   

“Recently she travelled abroad and came back with leather handcuffs and chains which she said are for tying her legs to the bed,” George shared, “now she wants to be handcuffed and her legs chained as I hit her backside.”

George resisted. In fact, he relocated to a separate bedroom. He did not want to be intimate with Lydia anymore. 

“I have had enough,” he said, “she has been trying to convince me that she is a masochist, that there is nothing strange in her behaviour and that masochism is a normal variant of sexual identity.”

I asked to meet with Lydia and George was happy to connect us. He wanted Lydia fully assessed and “treated”. Lydia came to the clinic the next day unaccompanied. After my assessment, I concluded that she was a typical BDSM.

BDSM stands for bondage, dominance, sadism and masochism. A person who is “B” enjoys being a slave in a sexual situation. They enjoy being commanded and ordered around. The “D” is the master in such a sex situation doing the commanding and ordering. The BD situation is a power play in which the “B” relinquishes powers to the “D”. Being submissive is gratifying and even sexually stimulating to the “B”, the reverse being with the “D”.

The “S”, on the other hand, enjoys inflicting pain as part of the sex play. They slap, bite, pinch, whip, and so on. They get gratification and sexual stimulation by seeing their partner suffer pain. The “M”, the recipient of pain, gets gratification and stimulation by receiving pain and can demand more pain even to the point of dangerous injury if the situation is not controlled.

In many cases, a “B” is also a “M” meaning that they enjoy being in the submissive, enslaved position and suffering physical pain. Their ideal partner is “DS” who feels good being a slave master and inflicts physical pain as part of the sexual act. In some cases, people can switch positions, enjoying the “BM” at some point and switching to “DS” at another point.

“Can you explain to my husband that I am “BM” and that there is nothing abnormal with me?” Lydia interjected, “He should enjoy ordering me and punishing me.”

Incidentally, BDSM is quite common. It is estimated that up to 70 percent of sexually active people have had fantasies of one form or another of BDSM nature at one time or another. It could be as simple as obeying orders or inflicting painful punishment as part of sexual acts. About 40 percent of people have actualised at least one BDSM act during sex, e.g. pinching someone painfully or biting them or even slapping them or just enjoying the same and asking for more. About seven percent of people engage in these acts often and one percent of the population outrightly wants full-blown BDSM practices.

“That gives me relief,” Lydia said, “I am not alone in this.”

The important thing with whatever sexual practice makes you happy is that it should be discussed. Your partner needs to understand what makes you happy. In BDSM, consent to undertake any practices is paramount. Further, it is important to define safety boundaries because left uncontrolled, grievous injuries can result. Although rare, deaths have resulted in people who enjoy being choked as part of BDSM.