The burden of manhood

You read the letter in The Guardian last week, in which a man wrote to his wife moaning about working too hard and not being supported by her?

He said he was at the end of his tether. “I don’t think I can do this for another 25 years,” he sniffed. “It has become clear that you are OK with my working myself to death at a high-stress career that I increasingly hate, as long as you don’t have to return to the workforce.”

His wife had taken time off work to raise his kids… and then never quite gone back. Instead she pursued her hobbies and joined the Ladies Who Lunch club while he broke his back at work. Many men are familiar with this sentiment he expressed: “You all complain about various financial pressures, but never even consider that you could alleviate the stress on both your budgets and your burnt-out husbands by earning some money yourselves.”

That man had had enough of her lounging about with her friends. He was categorical: “I want you to get a job so I don’t wake up in the middle of the night worrying that my career is the only one between us and financial ruin. I want you to work so our marriage can feel more like a partnership and I can feel less like your financial beast of burden.”  Then he dropped that mic and walked off the stage, blowing his nose.

What I found strange though, was the part where he asked her to get a job so that he “can feel loved.” I didn’t get that part. Maybe it’s a mzungu thing, who knows? And on that note, here are some of the things men wish their wives would do and not do. 

Appreciate them.

Men live for being patted on the back, being told they are king. “Darling, that was a real smart move, you brilliant man, you. Let me make you a chapo.” Nobody wants a medal or a 10-gun salute. Just an appreciation. But it generally gets to a point where nothing you do gets recognised or appreciated. The irony is: You can do 300 great things and nobody will notice, but you do one wrong thing and it will be a domestic anthem, sang daily including public holidays. 

Help financially.

Wouldn’t it be grand if one day you went to settle school fees for the young one and the accountant says, “You don’t seem to have any balance this term.” And you are like, “No, I do. Check again, my son is called Rodney Juma,” and he says, “Yes, it shows here that you settled the balance two months ago.” And you stare at him like he’s turned water into wine and you call mama Rodney and ask, “Babe, someone settled Rod’s fee balance...” And she says she did and you take a minute to process what she just said. You hang up and feel like you are about to faint from disbelief. You sit down slowly and the accountant looks at you with concern and asks, “Mr Juma, are you OK?” You nod and say, “Yes, sorry, let me ask you, do you believe in miracles?” 

Buy him socks.

OK, fine, so you can’t help pay school fees because “Si watoto ni wake?” In fact this watoto ni wake business only applies when there are bills to be paid. Otherwise the kids are hers. Anyway, once in a while it would not hurt to surprise your husband with a pair of socks, ladies. Or a tie. Or a watch. Or you a fitting session for a bespoke suit. And not just on his birthday, any other day, like on Labour Day, maybe. Open your palms and release some of that money.  

Ease his worry.

Manhood is mired in worry: Will I make it in life? Will my kids love me always? Will they be healthy? Will I attain financial independence by 40? Am I respected at work? Will I get that promotion? Am I even ready for it? Am I a good lover? Where do I rank amongst my peers? Why can’t I see my jewels anymore when I stand? Did I make the right move putting money in that venture? What does God think of me? What did the girl in the cafeteria mean when she said it’s ‘an age thing’? Why isn’t the wife talking to me? And why does she look at me that way nowadays? Is my libido OK?

What if something happens to me and I can’t work? Or I lose my job? Will she be able to maintain the family standard of living or will we have to move the kids to a school under a tree? Questions and more questions. All of us are fractured inside by insecurities. 

And so the last thing any man needs is to feel that his woman might not be able to step up and take care of the family. The man finished his letter by telling his wife: I want our daughter to see you in the workforce and I want her to pursue a career so she is never dependent on a man as you are on me, no matter how much he loves her. I hope, for his daughter’s sake, his wife heeds his words.