She broke my heart, how do I heal and avoid depression?

Hello, I have been going through some of the relationship advice you give and they are eye-opening.  I am 29 and, I have been in a relationship with a woman for two years.  It’s a long-distance one although I have been keeping in touch. After the onset of Corona, things started to change between us and I put a lot of effort to try and rebuild our relationship. However recently we got into a painful disagreement after I asked if she was happy with us and what can we do to save our relationship. The words she uttered still hurt me to date. I was so heartbroken and I let her know I was very disappointed.  Efforts to iron out the issue seem not to bear fruit since I now realise she took me for granted and doesn't value me and my concerns. I have been going through a healing process and at times cry, wondering what I did wrong to deserve such kind of treatment. I was made to look like the bad person. Please advise me on what to do in my healing process to avoid depression.

Ian

READER’S ADVICE

Just concentrate on yourself. Build yourself. Work harder and try as much as possible not to think about your ex-girlfriend. This will not only help build your career or business but you will also become more aware of yourself. Probably she is not into the relationship and if you continue pressing you’ll get deeper into depression after she calls it quits.

Reuben Ngugi 

Don't hold on to what is forcing itself out of your hands. It may leave you with severe bruises! If it was meant for you it will certainly come back to you. Similarly, you may think it is a blow to you and maybe God is saving you from something bad ahead. Kindly use the three As formulas to heal:

1. Accept that it has happened, she is gone.

2. Adjust to the new norm. Learn to leave without her.

3. Advance.Move on, life has to continue!

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Mitume, Kitale

For any relationship to work, a lot of tolerance and accommodation for each other's shortcomings is needed. It takes two to tango. Sit her down to iron out the issues and say what broke your heart. Discuss openly how each of you has been affected by the long-distance relationship The male ego is very fragile and it's clear you've not received the respect and encouragement you expect from her. Be strong because it's better to break a relationship than a marriage.    

W. Kagochi Kuira, Counselor Nyeri

Even though you have not disclosed clearly what it is that you are struggling with it looks like you are in the relationship alone. The distance between you two might have strained your connection and it's commendable you have tried to work on it but in vain. Your partner looks like a don't care one who is not ready to cooperate and sitting down, crying, and pitying yourself will not solve anything. So give it another try and this time round seat her down in the right environment and iron out all your concerns as you also give her time to do the same. If this does not help, then you have the option to move on with your life and look for a woman who will not compromise your values. Juma Felix. 

EXPERT’S TAKE

Making the decision to be in a relationship can have its ups but rarely is it noted that those ups do come with unforeseen risks. When you invest your emotions there is always a possibility of being hurt. Regardless of the effort, nothing in life is fully guaranteed to work or last. The one thing we cannot control or force is for the person we love to have mutual feelings. Your long-distance situation makes your dynamic far more complex in relationship sustainability. You have made your feelings clear. Do not stress yourself or allow yourself to go into depression because your wish for things to work out has not been realised. Take some time off and give her space to also digest your most recent conversation. Concentrate on other agendas in your life and let this one simmer for a while. Trying to force issues may only strengthen your divide so for now let her be. 

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

My name is Kenzie Lee Lusi and I'm 36. There is this girl that I fell deeply in love with though I was married and my wife left after discovering that I was cheating. I told the side chick that my wife had left because of her and we should get married but she also dumped me. I came to realise later that she was also cheating on me with many other guys. Stress became part of me. I tried to convince my wife to come back but she declined and told me to go and marry the other girl. It pained me to be away from my son.

I kept a secret eye on my side chick and had her followed by private detectives. I loved her very much and could not afford to lose her. She became pregnant one year later and she could not tell who the biological father of her child was because she was having sex with different men. It pained me but I had no courage to face her. 

Three years after our separation, she was suffering financially and she had no one to help. I could not just sit and watch her in hardship. I asked her for marriage and she accepted my proposal. I took her in but she started bringing men and sleeping with them in our house when I was away at work. I confronted her but she denied sleeping with any of the men. I did another investigation and located one of them and confronted him. The man spilled the beans and told me that my now wife had said she was unmarried and that I was her cousin and that it was her mother who pays her rent and caters for all her needs. The man confessed in front of her and even blamed her for not being honest and faithful to me. She later asked for forgiveness but denied engaging in sexual activities with the man. I forgave her and we continued living together. She later became pregnant after one month and I was very surprised when she demanded an abortion to which I declined. To me, this was a very clear indication that she was indeed engaging in sexual activities with other men. 

She finally confessed after three years of our marriage that she engaged in sexual activities with one man. I was left confused, stressed, and depressed. I'm now not sure whether our first child is my child. She asked for forgiveness and promised never to repeat the mistake.  My main question is can this woman change? If she started cheating on me before I married her and continued even after marrying her, is there any chance that she has really learned a lesson? I have forgiven her and I love her but I fear that if she continues this way she may infect me with sexually transmitted diseases or I may be raising children who are not mine. I married her because I wanted to change her life and make her the happiest woman in the world. I knew that she was a serial cheater and I thought she would change once I married her. What can I do? I love her very much and I can't afford to lose her like my first wife. I learned a lesson from my first mistake and I have always been faithful to her. She is now again four months pregnant and I fear that the pregnancy may not be mine. 

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