Newly weds
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Sex tips for the newly married

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For most women, the first sexual experience is like rape. 

Photo credit: Nation Media Group

It was an interesting coincidence. Three female relatives of chama members were wedding within the same month. 

Chama is the women’s group, of which I am the only male member. I attend meetings only when sex is to be discussed.

With three relatives of members having their weddings within the month, a special chama meeting was held. There was a need to discuss how to start a sexual life in marriage.

“Members, we all had our difficulties on the first night,” the chairperson started.

“Nobody told us what to expect and how to behave. It would be unfair and negligent on our part to let our relatives go through a similar experience. ”

“Yes, I made sure I was dressed in my jeans and sweatshirt that night,” said another member. “I feared this man seeing me naked. I was scared,” they all burst out laughing.

“It is a serious issue, by the way,” interjected another member. “It was so painful for me for the first time and the pain did not go for subsequent acts, actually until I had my first baby.”

This was a very important topic members had brought up. Because of a failure of our social structures, women and men are no longer taken through sex lessons before going into marriage.

Pre-marital counselling

Among our neighbours, the Baganda of Uganda, the bride used to go through a series of lessons in preparation for marriage. 

The senga or aunty had a duty to train the young woman on how to behave and what to do so that sex becomes a positive experience. Similar cultures exist in other countries, such as Zambia and parts of Malawi.

“Now I understand why Ugandan women are said to be good in bed,” commented another member amid laughter.

Many religious institutions have pre-marital counselling lessons.

A spot check on the content of these lessons, however, shows little or no content on the practicalities of how to have sex.

Many of the lessons stress the need to avoid sex till marriage but not how to have it once married.

Adherents are left to guess and through trial and error discover for themselves how to meet the sexual obligations in marriage. 

It is no wonder that this becomes one of the major areas of discontent immediately after marriage and for many years to follow.

“Yes, for me, I feared so much on the day of my wedding, I did not know what to do, I was so anxious, my periods started pouring out!” interjected another member.

First-time experience

For most women, the first sexual experience is like rape. There are mixed feelings of love and apprehension. Some women feel dirty and they just do not want to do it again.

Of course, men do not necessarily also know what to do. Many fumble around and end up with premature ejaculation.

“Yes, they do and in fact it can be very disappointing and you are left wondering whether you married a man or a boy,” said a member amid laughter.

“So how do we help our three brides, doctor?” asked the chama chairperson. “We want them to start on a good note and forever enjoy without feeling inadequate or anxious.”

Some women have already been exposed to sex and are quite experienced by the time they are married.

Others are exposed to sex for the first time when they get married. Let us, however, discuss how to handle sex for the first time or with a person you have met for the first time.

The important thing is the preparation needed for the first-time experience. A lot of people hurry into penetrative sex.

This temptation should be avoided. Relax and enjoy the pleasures of foreplay. If you are unable to relax let your partner know. It does no harm delaying penetration a little till full relaxation is achieved.

Sexual stimulation

When there is anxiety and lack of relaxation, the tension can result in rigidity, lack of lubrication and pain.

Of course, if one is a virgin there is the hymen to be broken. The hymen is a membrane that partially covers the vaginal opening.

When penetration is happening for the first time, the membrane has to be torn and some pain and bleeding can happen. The pain and discomfort fade off in subsequent encounters.

It is, however, important to note that subsequent sexual acts will only be smooth and painless if there is adequate lubrication.

Lubrication is a natural response to sexual stimulation. Women should request their men to delay penetration till when adequately lubricated to avoid dry sex which is quite painful.

“But some men prefer it dry doctor!” interjected a member.

Well, those men are ill-advised. Dry sex is known to be popular in some communities. In fact, in some communities, women use herbs to dry up secretions so that they remain dry during sex. 

Sex partners need to know that lubrication is important for healthy sex.

Men should feel happy when their sex partners are well-lubricated. Dislike for vaginal secretions is the beginning of unhealthy sex.