Quiz: What’s your attachment style?

A few months ago, an acquaintance posted on a Facebook group that until further notice, she was quitting the dating scene. “I don’t know if it’s me or nature that is playing tricks on me.  I have been in three different relationships weirdly with the same type of men,” she said.

Does that sound relatable? That you date the same kind of person over and over again?  According to Prof Catherine Gachutha, a counselling psychologist and Director at Kenya Institute of Business & Counselling Studies (KIBCo), this speaks to your attachment style. “We connect differently with people around us. Some people tend to smother while others pull away,” she offers. The attachment styles theory is attributed to John Bowlby, psychologist and psychoanalyst who in the 1950s, determined how the caregiver-child bond develops and its impact on consequential development. He described it as a deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another person across time and space

Types of Attachment Styles

Secure Attachment

If you are a securely attached person, you have an easy time forming connections and also reaching out when you need someone to talk to or lean on. Individuals with this type of attachment are less more anxious and satisfied with their relationships.

Anxious Attachment

As the name suggests you tend to worry a lot about your relationships, experience an emotional hunger for love and are often desperate for a fantasy kind of love. Anxiously attached people tend to look for a partner who can rescue them or ‘complete’ them. When they are afraid of losing their partner, they can become clingy, possessive and paranoid.

Fearful Attachment

Have you ever been in a relationship where one moment you are smothering your partner and the next moment you are ghosting them without an explanation? You live in an ambivalent mind set as you keep swinging from being afraid to form connections to overanalysing your relationships. You have unpredictable moods and are easily overwhelmed.

Avoidant Attachment

An avoidant attaché tend to be emotionally distant from the people they are involved with. For them, independence is a source of strength and they regard attachment as a weakness. If you fall under this category, you mostly process emotions on your own and tend to pull away when you need help the most. In case of an argument, you can shut down emotionally or close yourself off from feelings.

QUIZ

Take this quiz to find out your attachment style

1. It’s easy for me to be affectionate with my partner.

A-Agree

B-Disagree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. I feel that my partner truly understands me

A-Agree

B-Disagree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. I don’t worry about my partner abandoning me 

A-Disagree

B-Agree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. I feel uncomfortable when my romantic partners reveal their emotions.

A-Disagree

B-Agree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. I can talk to my partner about my problems and concerns.

A-Agree

B-Disagree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. My romantic relationships are often shallow and lack real intimacy

A-Disagree

B-Agree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. I am comfortable relying on romantic partners.

A-Disagree

B-Agree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. I am confident in feeling that my romantic partner cares for me.

A-Agree

B-Disagree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. I feel uncomfortable getting too close to romantic partners.

A-Disagree

B-Agree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. I worry that my romantic partner does not feel as strongly about me as I do about him/her.

A-Disagree

B-Agree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. I find it difficult to depend on romantic partners.

A-Disagree

B-Agree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. I pull away when a romantic partner tries to get too close.

A-Disagree

B-Agree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. I feel uncomfortable sharing my thoughts or feelings with romantic partners.

A-Disagree 

B-Agree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. I find it difficult to trust romantic partners.

A-Disagree

B-Agree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. I can go to my partner in times of stress.

A-Agree

B-Disagree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. I often make excuses to avoid spending time with romantic partners.

A-Disagree

B-Agree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. I need my partner to constantly show that he/she really loves me.

A-Disagree

B-Agree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. My partner understands my emotional needs

A-Agree

B-Disagree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. My romantic partners do not want to get as close as I would like.

A-Disagree

B-Agree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. I spend a great deal of time worrying about my romantic relationships

A-Disagree

B-Agree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. I prefer not to share my deep-down feelings with a partner

A-Disagree

B-Agree 

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. When I am not with my partner, I worry that he/she may be interested in somebody else

A-Disagree 

B-Agree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. I often worry that my partner will leave me

A-Disagree

B-Agree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

1. I worry that once my partner gets to really know me, he/she will no longer love me

A-Disagree

B-Agree

C-Neutral

D-Mixed

SCORECARD

How did you score? 

If you ticked mostly As– You have a secure attachment style.

If you scored mostly Bs –You have an avoidant attachment style.

If you scored mostly Cs –You have an anxious attachment style.

If you scored mostly Ds- You have a fearful attachment style.

What to do once you know your attachment style

Use the knowledge to communicate your needs to your romantic partners so they know how to best support you or use the information to guide you on how best to work on yourself.

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