What you need to know:
- You are emotionally wrecked at the moment and you need to take your time. The best thing you can do is focus on your healing first and take things one step at a time
- I strongly suggest you talk to a close family member or a friend who will offer you support
Q: I have been married to my husband for eight years. He was in a previous marriage with three children (two different mothers). I had one child from my first relationship. We agreed to marry for companionship and not have children together. My husband had an affair with our business manager and had a child behind my back.
The manager resigned when the child was two. But my husband continued supporting them without my knowledge. My husband told me about the child after seven years. I could not handle the news. I was hurt, disappointed, and devastated, so I went for counseling. He also sought help. The counselor and my husband decided to bring the manager back. I handed over all the work to her last year. My husband encouraged the manager to bring the child to the workplace. I felt betrayed. I stopped going to the workplace completely. Also, the manager started being very nasty to me whenever I was at the business premises. Today, I am not active in our business. It's managed by my husband and the manager. I don't trust my husband at all. My hubby also asked if he could bring the child home. But I felt that I did not want to relate with this child. When he goes to see the child and mother, I feel very down. Our communication and intimacy are non-existent. I have been wondering where to get help in this situation because my husband and I can't talk without quarreling. He defends the mother of the child on everything.
A: You are in a marriage that has no trust. Your letter portrays your husband as a serial cheater; he had two women who had a relationship with him and each left him with a child, then he has cheated on you with another woman. Probably that's his character, and it may be hard to change him.
The hard truth is that your hubby is not as committed to this marriage as you are. Sadly, you decided to stay in the union, without a mutual agreement and to make it worse when you do not trust him. Your husband allowing the child to work and pushing to bring him home is an indicator that the manager is in his life. One option would be to allow the child into your home which might eventually be followed by his mother; which may cause a lot of emotional drain to you. You may also decide to take a break from this union and look for a way to heal.
You are emotionally wrecked at the moment and you need to take your time. The best thing you can do is focus on your healing first and take things one step at a time. I strongly suggest you talk to a close family member or a friend who will offer you support. You may also continue your sessions with the counselor. The disappointment is not just with the child but you make yourself 'what other secrets is he keeping from me?' You will have to rationally consider whether you are willing to continue to be with a man whom you are bitter with and you cannot trust.
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