My fiancé’ cheated during Covid lockdown, I feel he no longer wants me in his life and it hurts

My boyfriend and I dated for six years before we finally decided to settle down. I went upcountry to get things ready for the dowry payment but unfortunately, I got locked down there due to Covid-19 and stayed for about seven months. When I came back I went straight to my boyfriend's house and we started living together but things had changed. I was stressed out; as I didn't have money to do anything—not even fare to go to work— but my husband never supported me. Anytime I borrowed money from him he would get angry and rude. 

Anytime we had a misunderstanding he would chat with his friends who are girls on WhatsApp which to me was disrespectful. Eventually, he started shutting down, stopped talking to me, and would come home late every day. When we eventually talked he confessed that he had met another girl when I was locked upcountry. He said nothing happened and deleted her phone number. But they still talk up to now, and when he receives her calls he walks off since I'll be angry. He also said he was not ready and that I had forced him into marriage. Sometimes he tries hard to meet his responsibilities as a man but he seems to be forcing himself. Right now he has shut down and never communicates. When I ask him he gets angry. We haven't been intimate for about three weeks now, and when I asked he angrily said he was taking time off to think. 

I feel tired and my emotions are all over the place. While we don't have a child, I feel he doesn't want me but he's afraid of saying so lest people say he has chased me away. I also feel he wants the other girl but he feels guilty since we've come so far with him. I can tell he doesn't want me because he's always angry at me, doesn't communicate, plans things by himself, and tells me off. 

He says I am overthinking stuff, but I feel he doesn't care, and the fact that he praises other girls and not me hurts. I have lost my self-esteem and feel cheated on as I have not been able to forgive him for having another girl. I'm so unhappy, and sometimes I hate him so much, and when he shuts me off I just want to leave and never come back or see him again. I'm always angry, suspicious of him, and agitated. Honestly, am so tired of all these feelings. Please help me, is it wise to leave for good or what can I do? Kindly don't reveal my identity.

READER’S ADVICE

After a six year of dating your partner found some unknown freedom following your seven-month absence. He now feels shackled and may be out of love. By your explanation you are becoming an impostor in his life. Have a discussion and seek a trial separation of between six and 12 months and after the separation see if you can share your lives again. Look at the options of you having a life without him. Good luck.

Zack Omoro 

You have gone through the radar, selected all the necessary pieces that you need in order to understand your man. You already know him considering you have been together for six years. This man has portrayed a clear image to you that he does not want you and you have the evidence. So with respect to his treatment you can evaluate the entire relationship, get to understand what exactly you need in the name of dating just to help you know where you want to belong. Whether you decide to stay in this relationship or not, a chat with him or even through a friend will be vital and help you to understand his preferences. The earlier you make a wise decision the safer and emotionally stable you will be. 

Juma Felix 

It hurts to love someone who doesn't love you back for love is sweet when it is done mutually. One sided love can lead to depression and high blood pressure. I can imagine how you feel. It’s not easy. I advise you to find a convenient time to discuss it with him, remind him of the good old days. I always say, "Don't invest than you can't lose.” My prayer is that he comes back to his senses and bring you back in to his palace of love. However, if he doesn't kindly don't feel desperate. It is better to be alone than to be in a toxic relationship. 

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Botwa, Kitale

EXPERT’S TAKE

Six years is a long time together, however, the Covid-19 period may have revealed a weakness in your relationship. If you were in communication while apart then unless he willed it, he would not have invested in meeting someone else. The fact is people fall in and out of love everyday regardless of time spent with someone. I believe your time apart confirmed his true feelings hence why he met someone else during that time. What he should have done is at least tell you that for him the love had diminished instead of letting you move in as if everything was fine. I am certain that he felt obligated to you and could not face telling you the truth. Whether he deletes her number or not, his heart is not where it used to be and that will only cause you a constant struggle as you attempt to make a dysfunctional relationship work. My recommendation is that you move on. It will be painful but the alternative will be a lifetime of misery and regret.

Relationship Counsellor, Maurice Matheka

NEXT WEEK'S DILEMMA

I am man of almost 30, unmarried but in a relationship with someone I believe I will walk down the aisle in a few months’ time. For more than one year now, everything has been bliss. We never quarreled over anything, except one occasion where I made fun of something about her body and I guess it really upset her that she didn't talk to me for two weeks. But we talked about it later, and we worked it out. 

However, I do have a personal problem which I feel might adversely affect the relationship that we have. Most of the time, whenever we have a conversation, she does the talking and she is really good at it. She is a nice story teller, intelligent even. We can talk for hours on end in a day, and still do it again the following day. 

My worry is, my participation in that conversation is a staggering 20 percent and this is getting me extremely worried. It's not that I get disinterested, or I do not want to participate. It has something to do with my speech patterns. One time, it's okay. The next time it's slurred, or I stammer and become incoherent. I get lost in thought a lot. I really could be having an idea of what I want to talk about, but 30 seconds into it, it suddenly gets lost into thin air, unable to recall what it was. You can imagine the embarrassment I get myself into. And this problem seems to be worse when I'm using my vernacular language. Soon, I may never speak at all in my mother tongue. I cannot even talk to my grandma properly, or address a given situation well. I'm worried.
It has come to a point where I feel like she doesn't want to talk to me as much as she used to. My condition is getting worse, except a few good days in a month. And I'm afraid this could be the reason why she is gradually becoming disinterested in having a prolonged talk with me, although she has never outrightly said so. And I have never asked her because I'm afraid she might confirm my worst fear. 

Please advise me, is this a health condition that I should worry about or I'm simply becoming an old man? Please hide my Identity.

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