Mothering a Nation

‘My quadruplets are an expensive blessing’

Divinar Joseph, Mum to multiple kids

“When I learnt that I was going to have quadruplets, I was beyond shocked.  Despite there being a history of having multiple children in our family, with several of my cousins already parents of multiples, I went to about five hospitals because I was in denial.

I have six girls under my care. My quadruplets and my niece are turning six while my eldest is 10. Every day I look at the quadruplets, I am extremely grateful because my pregnancy was difficult. I got admitted four times. After their birth, we had to stay in hospital for another three months and for two years I barely slept. I had a high turnover of nannies because most of them felt the responsibility was overwhelming. Still, if you ask me, taking care of the babies is much easier than carrying the pregnancy. 

My life changed a lot after the birth of the quadruplets. I had to move to a bigger house and furnish the house afresh. It is an expensive blessing after all. 

The quadruplets get sick, join school, and you have to buy similar items for everyone at the same time.

I have made several lifestyle adjustments as a way of saving money.  For instance, I buy food from wholesale shops, meat directly from the slaughterhouse, and fruits and vegetables from open-air markets.

I also opted to live far away from the city where housing is cheaper, look for schools with sibling discounts, and cut down on travelling and holidays. 

The journey is bumpy and rocky and can be sometimes emotionally draining. As it stands, my social life is non-existent because I constantly have to be available to my children. 

To make my life easier, I have a strict schedule. From morning to evening, their routine is clear. By 6.30 pm all meals are usually ready because by 7.30 pm, they are asleep. 

It was hard balancing my career and motherhood especially when they were younger. They would get sick frequently and I skipped work a lot. I eventually opted to quit my 9-5 high school teaching job. 

I currently teach foreigners and diplomats Swahili virtually and mainly at night. The working hours are favourable because I am able to be present for my children during the day which is very important to me. 

While the younger children tend to take a lot of my attention, I try to not forget the eldest one. 

For any mother who is expecting multiple babies, my advice would be to seek antenatal services early to avoid complications. I would also advise people to support parents having multiples because the support system is what will keep them going during hard days.”

‘To the new mums, there is no hood like motherhood’ 

Faith Magoma, first-time mum

“When I received the news that I was pregnant I was overjoyed. It felt like a secret I could not wait to share. I am a cancer registrar at the Cancer Registry, Kenyatta National Hospital and first-time mother to a beautiful nine-month-old baby girl.

My pregnancy was mostly enjoyable since I did not have any problems besides the usual morning sickness and heartburn. However, I did experience many new emotions which I had to learn how to cope with.  

Motherhood has been a journey of highs and lows. On the upside, I always look forward to getting home from work to enjoy sweet snuggles and laughs with her. On the downside, her cries and yells sometimes can be very frustrating. I remember one time I shouted at her and she gave me a sad look which left me feeling very guilty. It was not my proudest moment.

My partner’s support has been important amidst the mixed feelings of anxiety and joy. My mother, a retired nurse, has also stepped in. She always gives tips on caring for the baby and other constructive suggestions. One of my friends traveled all the way from Turkana to help me out while others would regularly check up on me and surprise me with hearty messages and gifts. 

Motherhood has turned out to be one of the greatest gifts in my life. I do the best that I can and then see how it goes. Each day brings its joys and challenges. I have still not figured it all out but I try to enjoy the experience fully. I have learnt to be selfless and to put my daughter’s interests first. I now understand the struggles parents go through and I have grown closer with my mother. I have learnt that it is okay to reach out to people for help because the first few months after delivery are exhausting.

Since becoming a mum, I had to tone down on a few things. I am not as spontaneous as I used to be when it comes to social meetings. I don’t stay out late unless I have made prior arrangements with my partner, mum, or nanny, to take care of the baby. I also stopped shopping recreationally unless I am buying baby items. 

To the new mums, there is no hood like motherhood. It means happiness, love, family, and contentment. It is important to not care too much about what others say about your parenting decisions and extend yourself some grace. There is no manual on motherhood and you learn as you go along.” 

‘As a stepmother, I can confirm that we are not wicked’

Jackie Keya, step mum

“Stepmothers are often cast as villains in animated movies and portrayed as cold and conniving. From Disney’s Cinderella, to Snow White and even Tangled, step-motherhood spells doom for family relationships but not for me. I am enjoying my happily ever after. 

I am a psychologist and founder of Blended Family Network. I always say I am a mother of different shades. With five children; I am a stepmother of two, a guardian to my orphaned niece, and a biological mother of two. 

As a stepmother, I can confirm that we are not wicked having held the title for the last two decades. I ended up being one after getting married to my husband who had children from a previous relationship. At the time, I had none. I quickly learnt that it requires a lot of commitment, sacrifice, and learning. Unlike your biological children whose connection is inborn, with your stepchildren you have to cultivate it. Even when your partner loves you, it is not automatic that his children will feel the same.  You have to be intentional about bonding while keeping in mind that you are not a replacement mum. 

My bonding experience was not difficult because the children were under five when I first met them and now they are in their 20s. I was also very lucky that family members really supported us. 

I am honoured to be a part of their journey into adulthood. My biological children also have siblings that they love and who are always there for them. 

However, it has not been all rosy. The biggest challenge is the negative stereotype that society has about stepmothers and the stigma attached to them. There are also very few support systems for stepmothers. That is why I founded the Blended Family Network to offer a safe space for stepmothers and their families to talk freely about their challenges. 

Another issue that I experienced earlier on is finding a balance when creating bonds. Strong significant bonds with your stepchildren are necessary so that you're able to function as a healthy single unit instead of having factions in the same family.  I really try to ensure I have the same expectations for all my children and I treat them equally. I always let my stepchildren know that they are allowed to love and remain in contact with their biological mother because she is significant.

Being a stepmother is not everyone’s cup. I always advise that unless you are willing to handle the challenges then don’t do it. It is unfair to marry someone only to end up frustrating his children.”

‘Whenever it rains, I have no choice but to sleep on wet verandas with my child’

Faith Mumbua, Street mum 

“When I moved to Nairobi from Makueni in 2010, it was to seek a better life for myself and my parents because life had become too tough for us. I luckily got a job as a house help in Pipeline estate and worked there until 2012 before meeting a man who I then thought was the love of my life. We moved in together after he promised to marry me and started our family in Mukuru kwa Njenga slums.  I got pregnant and God blessed me with twins and that marked the beginning of my motherhood journey.

But the joy was cut short after my husband started coming home drunk and mistreating us.

In 2019, he eventually abandoned us and I was left to cater for all our needs. With no job and money, I ended up on the streets where I have been living ever since.

I feared for the safety of my children and decided to take them back home to stay with my mother.

While living on the streets, you don't pay rent, but men are usually waiting to prey on you when darkness falls. 

I ended up having another child in 2020. Through the Linda Mama programme, I was able to safely deliver at the Kenyatta National Hospital for free.  Raising children on the streets of Nairobi is challenging and dangerous. We get arrested by city hall askaris who lock us in police cells with our children. We are only freed at the mercy of senior police officers. 

Whenever it rains, I have no choice but to sleep on wet verandas with my child. She often gets sick due to the cold because we do not have any warm covering apart from thin lesos. Maintaining good hygiene is also a challenge and we only get to take a shower at public toilets if we are allowed to by the staff.

I mostly rely on well-wishers for food as well as money that I can send back home to my parents.

While one may ask why I cannot simply go back to live with my parents, I would say the situation back home is dire. My father is bedridden after he sustained injuries on both legs while my mother does menial jobs to survive.  My brothers are of no help as they spend their days drinking and the only job available for me in the village would be tilling other people’s farms which would earn me a meager Sh200 and is often an unreliable source of income. I hope people remember mothers like me who are sacrificing a lot more to raise their children without a place to call home.” 

‘Adoption should not be a solution to fixing a problem’

Njeri Gaitho, Adoptive mum 

“I was very intentional about adoption. Even when dating, my spouse and I spoke about it and after our wedding, we agreed that we would adopt our second child. 

I am a businesswoman and a mother of two biological children and one is adopted. My adoption story was very straightforward. I remember praying and trusting that I will have my baby at home within three months of starting the process and that is what happened. The adoption agency we worked with was very efficient which made the process easier. I adopted my daughter when she was nine months old. From the moment I saw her, I was in awe. For a whole week, my husband and I spent time alone with the child which helped us build a strong connection. 

My daughter is very lovable. She is a daddy's girl but she always wants to have me around. She is also very close to her siblings. I had to be very keen because I did not fully know her health history. I learnt that she is lactose intolerant which I haven’t experienced with my other children. I still lookout for any allergies or medical issues that she may have. People avoid adoption because they are afraid that one day the child will eventually leave to find its birth parents. But if you are acting with the best interest of the child at heart, it won't hurt you. When the time is right I will tell my girl about her origin. I will tell her story as far as I know. And I will openly accept to share her with anyone who will help her feel better because I did not adopt her to cage or own her.

There is still a lot of stigma surrounding adoption and that is why I am very protective of her. Some of my family relationships are strained because I am constantly fighting for her acknowledgment. 

The other challenge I am facing right now is the speed of the judicial system when it comes to adoption cases. My daughter is about four years old and I still do not have a birth certificate because the case keeps on getting adjourned which is frustrating. I am forced to explain to strangers her story which I would not have to do if I had the document. I am raising all my children equally because, in my eyes, they are no different. 

Adoption is beautiful. It opens your heart and mind but only go for it if you will put the interest of the child first. This is not a solution to fix a problem, which most people do. If you feel ready to adopt, do not listen to society, go for it.”

A history of Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is a day set aside to celebrate mothers and maternal figures. In Kenya and the US, the day will be marked tomorrow, 8^th May. Kenya is among the 75 countries that mark this day on the second Sunday of the month of May.  In 1908, Anna Jarvis organised the first Mother’s day celebration as a tribute to her own mother who had passed away in 1905.

She originally conceived the idea of Mother’s Day as a way of honouring the sacrifices mothers make for their children. It was supposed to be a simple day where children would visit their mothers or attend church services. But after 1914 when it became an official holiday in the United States, it quickly became commercialised with people buying lavish gifts.

Anna Jarvis criticised merchants for turning it into a money-making venture and campaigned for its removal from the calendar.  Cards, flowers, and money are the most popular gifts given on this day.

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