I was a virgin when we married, he cheated severally, and I’m very hurt

Q: I love my husband with all my heart since I met him three years ago.  We courted for four months and he proposed. He cheated on me with his ex when I was expecting our first child. After confronting him, he admitted and I forgave him though I realised later that they were still communicating. Later I discovered he has another woman. This time round he denied it but they spent five days together. Though we have talked and he is treating me well like his woman I feel pain and I can’t trust him again.  I always pretend to be happy and I fear talking about these issues again to him because he tells me that we already solved them but I’m not happy. I am hurting auntie and I don’t know what to do. I love this man and I have never cheated on him. In fact, she married me when I was still a virgin.    

A:  I sense an acute mistrust and immense hatred toward your husband in regard to his behaviour. You have not indicated the origin of your relationship with your husband and the state of his earlier relationship with his ex-girlfriend.  It seems that you didn’t know your husband before marriage. From the letter, one can see that your husband is a serial cheater having cheated with his ex-girlfriend and months later with another woman. Although you state that you love him, it is unfortunate that he is not as committed as you are in this marriage. It is therefore important to reflect and decide whether this is the man you really need in your life. Please note that when you choose to stay with a spouse who has betrayed you by cheating, the relationship might never be the same again.  You sound fearful to your husband and this could be his defence mechanism to keep you away lest you question him about his behaviour. It is advisable that you talk about these issues, through a third party, and the dialogue should only end if there is a solution- your husband should make his commitment clear in this marriage.  Transparency always promotes good communication. In this case, during the discussion express your hurt feelings due to his infidelity and how it has destroyed your trust in him and the marriage as a whole.  Please consider visiting a counsellor who will help you more. I wish you happiness in your marriage.