I am happy I broke up with my boyfriend, but I miss him so much

I dated my boyfriend for three years. At one time he went for a working seminar that took four days, and during those days my gut feeling told me something was not right with him. We had had a duel about us not communicating frequently, just a few days to his trip but we managed to solve it. However, while he was away he cut communication even after I reached out to him. When he came back home he brought me a gift, but I felt like the gift was meant to hide a lie. Our communication became worse, and now we don't talk anymore. I've started feeling good about myself and confident, because while we were dating it was all about him. He would only talk about his dreams and plans. By then, I was job hunting, so I was happy about his goals because I was part of them. I was cocooned in all his dreams. My dreams were nothing compared to his, and we had to do things his way.

I have started a small side hustle and I am feeling good about myself. I don't feel grounded anymore and I'm happy we are not talking but I miss him. I have never loved anyone as I loved him. Am I doing the wrong thing or what should I do?

Bella

READERS ADVICE

I have always said that the key to every successful relationship is communication. The first sign of breaking or an ailing relationship is the lack of it. You noted that previously it was all about him talking about his dreams and ideas. This is not healthy since as marriage partners each of you needs to participate in one way or another. The feeling of missing him after drifting away is normal especially if you moved without evaluating the decision. Revisit your decision by going through what led to your parting ways.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Botwa, Kitale

The two issues that strike me in your article are that you seem insecure and pushy. Probably the direction of communication in your relationship is mainly one way - you to him. Now that you slowly getting financially secure, I would suggest that you give the relationship time and space and see what action he is bound to take. It is possible that you are the only one keen to take this relationship to another step.

Zack Omoro

Your boyfriend created some rift between the two of you when he started going for seminars, and it's great you noticed it. Three years of being in a serious relationship is enough time to build an intimate connection and fall in love but that does not mean the same love cannot vanish. It's understood when you say you still love this man and miss him. I suggest that you consider the good feeling in you to allow you to focus on your side hustle and life in general. Give yourself time to heal and you will still fall in love again with the right man.

Juma Felix. 

They say that red flags are not suggestions. Ignoring red flags can only prolong the inevitable demise of a relationship and make the eventual breakup even harder for you. Communication in a relationship is the proverbial central pole and if it breaks, things fall apart. You seem to have valued your ego more than establishing a clear and genuine communication channel with your partner. By confessing that you are feeling well about your small hustle, it implies it was a predator-prey relationship. Now that the prey got somewhere to hide, the predator should starve. Put down your ego and approach love with an open mind and heart. If love is not consummated, it should not exist.

Gitonga James

EXPERT’S TAKE

After reading your story the one thing that I have deduced is that your disconnection may have become worse because communication between you was lacking. For any relationship to maintain a positive functionality neither party should feel obligated nor tied down despite the notion that a couple belongs to each other. Humans sometimes need space and a moment to reset and perhaps recharge. At this point, only he can tell you why he became distant and until you have that candid conversation you will not gain closure. It may seem like the end but couples part ways and if mutual they rise again with a stronger bond. I advise that you give each other space and concentrate on your own individual dreams. What you can do is reach out and tell him that you respect his space. However, when he is ready, you should review your relationship to assess whether you both want a future together. 

Relationship Counselor, Maurice Matheka

NEXT WEEK'S DILEMMA

 I have caught my sister’s husband in two compromising situations. One time, he was tightly hugging a woman I had heard them fight about, and another time, it was an overture kiss with one of his employees. I haven’t told my sister about it because I don’t want to be part of their differences. However, I am feeling guilty. If you were in my position, what would you do?

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