How to co-parent with the nanny

Rage would be the appropriate word to describe the feeling that Judy Chege, a mother of one, felt when she came home one evening several months ago to find her two-year-old daughter clean-shaven.

The nanny explained that the child’s hair was very tangled and she was tired of seeing the child cry during the salon visits that were part of her nanny duties. If she had followed her first instinct, Judy would have sent the nanny packing that night. She however chose to vent on social media and to a few friends on the phone.

The next morning she was able to give the situation a fresh look which saw her choose to retain the nanny, but not without giving a long list of rules and stern warnings.

An average Kenyan mum who has had to spend thousands and wait months for their daughter’s coarse hair to grow just a few inches would be angry if she came home to that. But is she right to be? Like many live-in nannies in Kenyan homes, this little girl’s nanny is the one who wakes her up in the morning and puts her to bed every night. At home, she is in charge of most things regarding the child.

If she has taken this child for routine clinic visits, should she blamed if she wants to have a say in the child’s hairdo?

MAKING IT WORK

The Chege’s family situation isn’t alien. A lot of working mothers are technically co-parenting with their children’s nannies. Most mothers will tell you that the ideal situation would be where they were able to raise their own children.

But there are bills to be paid and backs to be clothed. Parents are finding themselves in situations where they are parenting with their nannies. How can one make it work?

It is happening but most mothers will not admit that they are co-parenting with their nannies. Some see it as an admission that they are failing as mothers while others will see it as a competition for the child’s love.

“I have twins. Two-and-a-half-years old. They have an amazing nanny. They will not eat if she is not around. They even obey her more than they obey me.

I feel guilt for having to work away from home. Sometimes I think that they prefer her better and I feel jealous and a little hurt,” shares Vivian Awour, a mother from Thome Estate, Nairobi.

To mothers who find themselves in this fix, author Michele la Rowe in her book Nanny to the Rescue calls for acceptance.

Your nanny is more likely than not more experienced at child care than you are and she may be better at it. Accept this and acknowledge that this doesn’t mean you are a bad mother. The sooner you get this out of the way, the sooner you can work towards a better co-parenting arrangement.

SET BOUNDARIES

One way of avoiding the power struggles that often characterise parent-nanny relationships is to draw boundaries early on. Not boundaries between the two of you but boundaries in regard to who does what for the child. Hellen Nambusi, a mother of two, aged five and two, from Embakasi in Nairobi, explains how she does it: “I made a list early on. I am the one who reads my children bedtime stories and tucks them in bed. I figured they would grow up associating certain things and activities with me meaning that we already have a special bond.”

Hellen, who isn’t naturally playful, has learnt over the years to leave her work mask at the office. When she gets home, she can let her hair down and roll on the carpet with her children.

“Most nannies are playful meaning a lot of time spent with her is relaxed. No wonder children like them more,” she explains.

Moreover, while hiring nannies, a lot of parents miss the point that the woman you are bringing into your house will often have had a different life experience from yours. The first instinct a parent will have is to reject the anything new that she tries to introduce into the child’s life or routine. As a mother reacting in this way, what you don’t realise is that your child may be missing out. How about being a little open-minded? You never know the parenting tips you could learn from your nanny. Remember, she may be more experienced in this than you are.

Nothing to worry about

Lastly, the next time you hear your little one call the nanny ‘Mommy’, relax. There is nothing to worry about. Science reassures that your child will always know who their mother is. In fact, according to a scientific study by the American National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, if your nanny is good at their job, your child will be more attached to you. The higher the quality of child care, the more the child gets attached not only to the nanny, but to the mother as well.