Heart Advice: My wife holds on to things and I am tired

I am writing to you as the last step before I move on and leave my marriage. I feel it's of no use staying in an environment that is unhealthy. What do you do to a wife that holds on to things? She finds it difficult to forgive or to let go of the slightest of issues?

Lawrence

EXPERT TAKE

No one deserves to stay in an environment that does not ensure their peace of mind. It is not my place to tell you to leave or to stay. However, it would be prudent for you to have a final candid talk with your wife so that she understands how your current dynamic is pushing you away from wanting to be in the marriage. It will be a way to evaluate whether she cares enough to rethink her negativity. No amount of apologies is ever enough but to move forward as a couple, the past must be left behind otherwise your existence will be in a loop of recurring quarrels that will weaken your bond. If you do decide to move on, at least you will have done so having shared how you truly feel. The choice is yours.

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

READERS ADVICE

'To err is human, forgiveness is divine.' People who find it difficult to forgive are either arrogant or insecure. Realising and acknowledging your own faults is a huge step in the right direction. Marriage has to be anchored on honesty, trust, and communication. Did you confess your faults? Did you reach common ground with her? If she loves you, she must learn to forgive.

Develop a cordial rapport with your wife, wear the husband cap, initiate dialogue, probe to unearth why it's difficult for her to let go of the slightest issues. With this, you will understand the issues, solve them, reach consensus and your marriage will thrive. Finally, involve the clergy. Religion advocates for marriage and forgiveness.

Mbarani Atonya, Vihiga County

Marriage is like a rose flower, a thorn and a flower reside on one stalk. Being in a union is not a walk in the park. You can only succeed through toil and hard work. Marriage is all about compromise. It's about 'we' and not 'me'.

Forgiveness is key. The Swahili says that a mistake becomes one if repeated, if done once then it's forgivable. Also, remember that human is to err.

Another thing is that matrimony can be dissolved but under certain strict circumstances. There are grounds for divorce, which must be proven. Do you merit such a warrant?

Before you quit be sure that you are not the problem. If the issue is with you and you have refused to change then many broken marriages await you. Handle the issue one more time before you quit.

Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo

I can only imagine what you are going through. It's pitiful to live with someone who is unforgiving.

The holy book states that love does not keep a record of wrongs. Your situation shows that there is something else that brought you together and not love! It may be infatuation. I would suggest that you sit her down and remind her of how far you have come in your marriage. Let her know how you are feeling and get an understanding of how to solve your differences. May the Lord intervene for you.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Botwa, Kitale

NEXT WEEK'S DILEMMA

I need your help. In November last year, I met a lady online and we hit off very quickly after we met face to face. One thing led to another and we got intimate barely a week after we met. I realised that there were many things happening that I wasn't looking forward to and I called off the relationship a month after we met. Early in January this year she called me to inform me that she was pregnant, to which I told her that I will take care of the pregnancy and the child if it was mine.

That meant that she would have birthed the child latest by end of September this year. But the doctor's report indicates that her correct due date is 15th November. When I inquired from her on the correct conception date, she claimed that she had a miscarriage with the first pregnancy and that she got pregnant again in February when we briefly rekindled our relationship.

Kindly advise me because I realise that I am staying with her because I don't want this child to grow without a father as I did. I don't love this woman and it shatters me to imagine how I will spend my life with someone I don't love. We are not even compatible with very many aspects.

What do I do? Richard

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