Divorce is indeed contagious, research shows

Forget the virus that has been ravaging our lives for the past two years. If a close friend has just gone through divorce or a break up, if findings of new research are anything to go by, you should be very afraid for your own relationship because you are likely to be next.

After three decades of collecting data from thousands of study subjects, researchers from Harvard and Brown University in the US are of the view that splits in romantic relationships are contagious.

According to the study findings, having a close friend divorce or end a long-term relationship raises the likelihood of your own break up by 75 percent. Apparently, even having divorced co-workers raise the possibility of divorce in your own relationship by 50 percent.

In a culture that is still intent on preserving the marriage institution and its sanctity, it seems wrong to equate marriage break up to a highly contagious bug. Could there be some truth in the claim that a break-up may have a domino effect in other relationships in that social circle?

Emotions are contagious

A sane woman in a functioning relationship will not suddenly get irreconcilable differences with her partner and call it quits simply because her friend’s relationship failed. However, during a relationship break up, women cluster together and in the spirit of support tend to share the things that are not going right in their own relationships. Can these moments of insight plant a seed of doubt which if not checked continues to grow and may eventually choke a relationship?

“A divorced person may be bad for your relationship, but only if your relationship is already struggling,” says Joy, a 35-year-old divorced mother of one.

Joy, a fashion designer in Nairobi resolved to end her four-year long marriage after her cousin with whom she shared a close relationship ended hers. She admits that her marriage wasn’t perfect. Not by a long shot. She offers that she was deeply unhappy in an emotionally abusive marriage and in retrospect observes that a break up was imminent, but it would have taken her years of unhappiness to get enough courage to speak up.

 “I can’t say that her divorce caused the end of my marriage. It however did inspire me to want better for myself. It was the little nudge I needed,” she says.

Breaking up, especially when children are involved is a hard thing to do not to mention the social stigma that is still attached to divorce. It usually takes courage and Joy though deeply unhappy had seen it as something she couldn’t handle. Seeing her cousin do it, struggle, survive and eventually find happiness was what led her to see it as a possible solution to issues in her own marriage which also reinforced that gut feeling that leaving would save her from years of unhappiness. She doesn’t regret her decision. 

There is truth to it

While he maintains that it isn’t a virus that one can catch, Benard Moseti a Nairobi-based cultural anthropologist believes that attitudes surrounding break-ups and divorce can flow around social circles. He notes that this is the same for other social habits like drinking and infidelity flowing from the strong leader types in the circles to the followers.

Other times, several break ups in social groups are a result of the classic case of grass looking greener on the other side. Seeing others happier as a result of a particular relationship decision and imagining that same decision will bring you joy. 

“The reason that divorce can be contagious is that marriage itself is often a result of peer pressure. If your decision to propose, marry and even start having children is influenced by people around you, then you can be easily as influenced to quit the marriage,” he says.

Can you save your relationship?

If knowing many people who are getting divorced may be bad for your relationship does this, then mean that you ditch friends when their relationships fall apart?

Not necessarily. It is however vital that you make a conscious effort to keep yourself and your relationship from negativity. This means not entirely avoiding your friends but keeping in mind that their attitudes can affect your own relationship. 

Self-awareness, knowing that there is this this risk will help you keep a level headed perspective, according to marriage counselor Michele Weiner-Davis in her acclaimed book Divorce Busting. Knowing that your relationship is at risk, she writes, will prompt you into becoming more vigilant in protecting it.

What is a woman to do when she feels doubts regarding her relationship creeping up on her? According to Michele, instead of running to your friends, run to your partner and talk to them about your fears and insecurity. If this is not an option, talk to a neutral third party.

When you are feeling doubtful of your man because his friend was caught cheating for instance, most people prefer to keep quiet and watch. Michele says that it is perfectly in order to bring up your fears and even ask your man for reassurance that he will not do the same. 

The most important thing to remember, according to Doreen Shayuga, a make-up artist is that every relationship is unique. She draws from experience. She talks about breaking up with a man she loved about a year ago when she saw a friend’s relationship break down as a result of parental interference because the man in the said relationship was of a different tribe. 

“Our family backgrounds were very similar and I assumed that my parents would reject my man for the same reason. I didn’t want to go too far into the relationship only to break up.”

In retrospect says that she should have held on.

“My sister brought home a man from a different tribe last Christmas and my parents took it in their stride. I made a mistake,” she says.

The opposite is also true

On the flip side, the break up bug can have the opposite effect of driving you into re-starting your commitment to your significant other. Instead of casting doubt, it can prompt you to meet the challenge of your own imperfect relationship. 

As Isabell, 34, found out, it’s about choice. About a year ago, she and two other women were comforting a friend who had decided to leave her husband. As the evening wore on, over glasses of wine, they began talking about the wrongs in their own relationships in a bid to make their friend feel better. These complaints turned into bad mouthing their men and by the end of the evening, they had become critical of their own relationships to the point of loudly wondering why they were still with their men. 

“I was afraid for my relationship when I went home that night,” she says.

This fear prompted her to confront issues that they had silently swept under the rug. She was angry that her man was failing at being the man in the relationship by leaving her to take on most of the financial responsibilities. When she confronted him, she found out that he was also greatly disturbed. While she thought he was content living off her, she found out that he was trying to make a better provider and was in fact having more sleepless nights than she. Luckily, around the same time, he got a job that came with a better pay and he now takes on the lion’s share of the bills.

“We are happier,” she says.

Seeing as the effect of divorce can go both ways, it seems like the key to staying on course in your relationship is understanding the role of those around you. While friends are great listeners, they may not always be the best source of good, neutral advice.