Dissing other women on social media is crass and disrespectful to your partner

There was an interesting amount of flak last week on the article I wrote, about choosing your wife over your mother. It felt like men were united and up in arms against something that I thought was obvious: you can’t marry your mother, and upon getting married, your wife becomes your immediate priority and family. Who knew that this wasn’t automatic? Bible verses were thrown and misquoted left right and centre, as men justified their unequal partnerships, conveniently ignoring the fact that the Bible they were touting literally says a man will leave his home, to cleave to his wife. Well, that works for me, because that means I don’t have to leave mine!

I kid. What was most concerning to me was not the difference in perspectives – everyone has those, we all have opinions, and everyone can have one, regardless of how farfetched or unresearched they may be. The worst part, was how these men were talking about their partners.

I don’t know about you, but whenever I find myself in a relationship, especially in the early honeymoon phase, I’m deeply in love. I’m doing the most. I’m loving up on my partner at all times and with all opportunities I get, learning their love languages, getting them surprises, trying to have deep conversations that go late into the night so that I can – well, cleave to their mind.

And even when the relationship gets normal and you get used to those good morning texts, and you’re holding bills more than hands, there is still a level of comfort and respect there that doesn’t usually wane until something disastrous happens, you know? There are things I would never say to my partner, not even in anger. There are secrets the outside world will never know about our relationship. Which, honestly, can be helpful and harmful to the relationship, because truly, there are some things that should be told and talked about. We ladies have a tendency to ‘funikia’ for whoever we’re with; hiding their flaws and exaggerating their good bits, to the point that sometimes when the relationship ends when something was deeply wrong with it, everyone but us is surprised. This is why gossip is useful. It isn’t just idle chatter, it is exchanging social and cultural norms, getting a more balanced view on what is normal and what is not, on important matters such as should you wash your man’s underwear?

I digress. My point is – there are things that I would never say to my partner. Or about my partner. Or announce in public. Which is why I was so shocked when these men on Twitter and Facebook were very loudly proclaiming that their wives were…well, extremely unsavoury things. Some went on and on about how wives are replaceable and how women are partnerships as opposed to relatives…and how a mother cannot leave you, but a wife can. One man said that he cannot side with the baboon who asks him what they’re eating for supper every day.

A baboon??!

I lamented for this woman in question, because the man’s name and picture were right next to his comment. What a horrible relationship this sounds like. If this woman is not on Facebook, his friends and family might be – it is, after all, a social network. And they know exactly who he is talking about. I don’t even want to think about the fact that maybe she is on his Facebook and can see exactly how little he thinks of her.

You cannot and should not talk to someone who you claim is your life partner that way, unless that’s your thing and everyone is aware (it didn’t sound like it, though).

If you can’t be kind to me in speech and deed in a relationship, then really, there is no point of the relationship. The bar is incredibly low. It made me wonder what the state of marriage is in Kenya today, if men can so happily discard you in a Facebook comment section. If you think your wife is a baboon, why in the hell are you marrying her? 

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