Asking for help in your sex life isn’t vulgar, it’s vital

I did not manage to meet Mary so all I know about her is what she told me on phone. She visited her gynecologist last week because she was unable to have sex and her marriage was on the brink of a break up.

Her gynecologist advised her to see a sexologist and shared my number. She called me and booked an appointment and summarised in a few words why she wanted to see me. Her problem was pain during sex.

Because sexual pain is a loaded topic arising from multiple causes, some of which require physical examination and laboratory tests to diagnose, I advised Mary to physically come to the sexology clinic for consultation to which she was agreeable.

Two days later, on the day of her appointment, I got a call from Mary. She was at the hospital gate.

“I am undecided,” she said, “I am not sure I want to meet with you.” 

She explained that her situation was complicated and she did not know whether she wanted to open up to a stranger.

“Well, I am a doctor so I will definitely want to hear your story to be able to design your treatment,” I responded. She requested for a few minutes to reflect and get back to me. It was another 30 minutes before she called back. 

“I am not getting into the hospital, no I can’t,” she said, “sorry for wasting your time and I can pay for that by mobile money.” And with that Mary was gone and I have never heard from her again.

But Mary’s case reminded me of the many cases I come across each day of people struggling to decide to see a doctor when they face sexual and intimacy problems. Many people are in denial. Many lose self esteem as a result and become anxious, sometimes sliding into depression. 

“There is something mysterious about sex and so when sex fails the first thing that comes to mind is that you require mysterious interventions, not treatment in a hospital,” Peter, one of my patients once told me. He said it had taken him two years to come to the sexology clinic.

He kept booking and not honouring the appointments. In the meantime, he visited a number of non-medical healers but his problem only worsened. The final healer he visited told him that his situation was dire and that he needed tears of a lion to smear on his sex organs for him to function again. 

“Of course that was an impossibility,” he said amid laughter.

Then there are people who will actually visit the clinic, get the treatment but never come back for follow-up appointments. In one case I prescribed medicine for a month and the person was to come back for review but he never did. He came back a year later with severe side effects arising from prolonged use of the medicine I had prescribed.

“You see the medicine worked and so I kept buying it because I did not want people to keep seeing me coming to the clinic,” he explained, “if I cannot even talk to my wife about this issue don’t you see how hard it is to keep talking to other people about it?” 

Which reminded me about how married people can be unsupportive of each other when sex problems happen. I remember the case of Janet. Her husband gave her an ultimatum;

“You have three months to solve your sex issues or I will walk out of this marriage,” he said. Janet had no desire for sex and kept pushing her husband off. She came to the sexology clinic for help but her husband refused to accompany her. Unfortunately, her treatment needed couple therapy rather than treatment focused on her only. She was also anxious because of the ultimatum and was told the problem was of her making.

As expected three months came and passed and the whole fiasco only compromised further the emotional connection between Janet and her husband. As we talk today the couple is divorced.

“He started seeing another woman and became violent,” Janet explains, “I moved out with my children.” 

The lessons here are that wishing away a sex problem does not make it go away; neither does blaming your partner or using non-proven interventions solve the problem. It is important to note that sexual dysfunctions are medical problems like any other and that professionals in this line are guided by stringent ethics that they apply in providing care.

You should therefore feel safe to consult them and be supportive of your sex partner because this is essential to achieving success in treatment. 

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