'I have no sexual desire or attraction towards anyone' says Ann, an asexual woman

Mothers will always be mothers. That was my conclusion after listening to Ann's mum. She brought Ann to the Sexology Clinic last Saturday. She did not hide her distaste for Ann's "behaviour", Ann's age notwithstanding. 

"I am disturbed and upset by her childish behaviour and inability to mature," Ann's mum said in explaining their reason for coming to the Sexology clinic, "at her age I expected her to have at least three children out of which one would have been named after me; gotten married and take care of a husband the way I have done for her father."

Ann's mum was worried that her days were drawing nigh and her only daughter, Ann, had failed to bear children. She explained that the joy of a mother is seeing her children succeed and, without mincing her words, Ann had let her down.

Ann was 40 and was a doctor with specialisation in Pediatrics. She had never married and didn't have any children.

"I am actually a virgin and I would like to remain that way," Ann explained, "I need you to explain to mum that this is not out of disrespect for her or a rebellion against the values she instilled in me at a young age."

She explained that when she was young she was the star of the village. Every parent used her as an example of how girls should behave. She avoided getting intimate and concentrated on her studies. 

"At that time they thought my behaviour was influenced by my religious beliefs and the morals that mum instilled in me," Ann explained, "the truth however is that my attitude has nothing to do with religion; I do not buy into the story of celibacy or abstinence as a gateway to heaven." She burst out laughing and this only infuriated her mum more.

"We are here for serious issues so stop your childhood jokes," her mum reprimanded.

"Celibacy and abstinence are choices people make," she continued, "my situation is however different, it is not a choice, it is just who I am; I do not feel any urge for sex and I do not know what it means to fall in love or be attracted sexually to anyone."

She explained that because of social pressure she once pretended to be in love with a man. They organised to meet privately. The man tried touching her in a romantic way but it was repulsing so she just told him to keep off. She made a decision from that day never to pretend. She had no sexual attraction or feelings for anyone. She opted to be respectful of who she was.

"I do not really abhor sex or those who have it," she explained, "I have no sexual feelings and attraction towards anyone." 

I asked Ann if she had ever faced incidences of sexual assault, noting that one consequence of abuse is sex aversion and complete hate and fear of sex. She had never. A full clinical assessment did not also reveal any abnormalities in her hormones or reproductive system. A sexual orientation test did not find her to be a lesbian. A test for asexuality however found her to be completely asexual. 

"We now have a diagnosis, you are asexual and aromantic," I said and explained that asexual people are normal men or women who are not sexually attracted to anyone. They have no medical or social reason to explain their situation. They are just born that way. A person who is aromantic, on the other hand, lacks romantic attraction towards others.

"You are right," Ann quipped, "I simply do not know what sexual and romantic attraction means because I have never felt anything like that."

But Ann is not alone; she is one of the 77 million people across the world who are asexual. They make 1 percent of the world population. In Kenya, this translates into about 400,000 people. More women than men tend to be asexual but both sexes are represented. 

"So are you saying that Ann will not deliver a baby?" Ann's mum asked, visibly irritated by my explanation. I moved my gaze to Ann to see if she could answer the question. Some asexual people do have sex once in a while and can end up getting children but that was a question only Ann could answer.

"Unless it is a virgin birth I may not since I just don't want to have sex with anybody in my life," Ann answered, "and hello…I am now 40 and very soon menopause will set in." 

For feedback to the editor email: [email protected]