Let's talk baggage

We all carry invisible suitcases bursting at the seams with baggage. They weigh us down and torment us emotionally even as we try to distract ourselves with vices and activities such as work.

In the dark closets of our relationships, abandonment issues play hide-and-seek while childhood traumas masquerade as adulting nuances— A load of insecurity issues carried inside a tote bag of ‘daddy issues’, and a clutch of ‘commitment phobia’.

Studies suggest we do not just collect baggage, we also subconsciously seek out partners whose burdens mirror our own.

MARION ABUYA, a 29-year-old lawyer, posits that trauma is often at the root of relationship baggage. She notes a recurring theme: The absence of father figures.

“An increasing number of men have fathers who are physically present but emotionally absent,” she explains. “Such men often struggle with emotional vulnerability when they enter romantic relationships.”

Marion’s own journey through relationships has been marked by deep-seated trust issues.

“I had a lot of mistrust. I couldn’t trust easily,” she admits. This mistrust manifested as a persistent fear of abandonment, leading her to hold back emotionally even when her partners gave her no reason to distrust them. 

“I was going into relationships with the mentality that eventually, my partner would leave me. I couldn’t trust them, and this made it very hard for me to stay committed in the relationships,” she offers.

Marion believes that this behavior stems from her childhood. She lived with both her parents, but she lacked an emotional connection with her father and mother for most of her life.

“Both my parents were always away at work, so I missed that emotional touch,” she recalls.

After taking a break from dating for nearly three years, Marion has now decided to address the issues.

“I had to work through my insecurities,” she says. This process involved reconnecting with her parents, putting more effort in growing in her career, and learning to clearly communicate her needs and boundaries in relationships.

Marion’s turning point came after a particularly difficult breakup.

“After we parted ways, I realised I was sabotaging my relationships before they had a chance to develop,” she explains. “I sought counselling and began journaling to understand my patterns. It was during this process that I recognised how my childhood experiences were influencing my adult relationships.”

PETER OTIENO, a 40-year-old civil engineer, has been in five different relationships and they all have a pattern that might read like an excerpt from one of Lemony Snicket’s bestsellers.

His most recent ex-partner, a 30-year-old woman, had been sexually abused and faced dismissal when reporting it to her mother. This unresolved trauma manifested in unexpected ways.

“I noticed that she always had to be held like a baby in order to fall asleep,” Peter explains. “It was as if she was seeking the comfort and safety she never received as a child.”

Her trauma was further compounded by early childhood experiences. When she was eight years old, the woman’s mother fell ill, and couldn’t take care of her. She was separated from her mum for three years. Because of this, she developed attachment issues that persisted into adulthood.

“She had an intense fear of abandonment,” Peter notes. “Any hint of me leaving, even just for work, would trigger anxiety attacks.”

While reflecting on his ex-partner’s struggles, Peter is quick to point out his own issues.

“Relationships with people who carry unresolved trauma are often plagued by miscommunication and misunderstanding,” he says. “One of the hardest parts is that while people might be aware of their own trauma, putting in the work to overcome it or learning how to handle triggers in a healthy way can seem like an insurmountable task.”

Peter's baggage stems from his childhood as the firstborn. 

His sister was born just a year after him, and that shift in attention continues to influence his adult relationships. Because of the perceived abandonment he felt as a child, he hates feeling ignored or receiving divided attention.

This manifests through what he describes as being quick to anger, prone to emotional outbursts, and even verbally abusive.

"I sometimes deliberately say hurtful words to others, even if I love them. Whenever I do this, my aim is to ensure that even if my partner decides to date another man, it will take her a long time to trust again. I am not proud of this behaviour, but recognising it was the first step towards change," he admits.

Peter’s journey towards self-awareness has been complex. He now recognises the “hero complex” he developed.

“I used to stay in relationships with women not because I genuinely loved and appreciated them, but because I hoped to save them. I thought I could fix their issues, but in reality, I was just avoiding my own challenges,” he reflects.

Peter has made a conscious decision to prioritise his own healing.

“I’ve decided to work on myself, and therapy is one of the key tools I’m using,” he states.

He has currently abstained from dating and has even limited his friendships with women, recognising the need to break away from the cycle of unhealthy relationships.

CAROLINE GACHERI, a 29-year-old clinical psychologist and mother of one, met her first love in 2018. 

Fresh out of university with a new job at a hospital in Mombasa, she fell head over heels for a high school teacher. What began as a whirlwind romance, however, soon unravelled into a cautionary tale about the baggage we bring into relationships.

"I didn’t even know what happens in relationships. All I knew was that once you complete school, you get a job, find a partner, and get married."

This idealistic perspective, shaped by her upbringing in a loving, church-going family, left her unprepared for the complexities of adult relationships.

Within months, Caroline found herself uprooting her life, leaving her job, and moving to Busia to be with her partner. The red flags were there, but love had tinted her glasses. It wasn’t until she became pregnant that the cracks in their relationship began to show.

“He started showing his true colours,” she says. Through our conversations and his behaviours, I learned about his childhood traumas. He grew up in a household where alcohol abuse was common, and he witnessed domestic violence. These experiences shaped his views on relationships and trust.”

The baggage manifested in various ways – infidelity, verbal abuse, and a belief that no woman could ever understand him.

“He would frequently say that he had never felt loved by anybody, not his parents, not even his stepbrothers or sisters, because he was born out of wedlock,” Caroline explains.

The relationship lasted nearly three years before Caroline found the strength to walk away. It has been three years now, and she says she is still healing and working on herself before considering another relationship.

Smarting from her first actual relationship, 20-year-old Abby Njoroge shares that as a plus-size woman, she grapples with insecurities about her appearance.

Another baggage she believes she carries is the class difference. She is from a middle-class family, while his 25-year-old boyfriend is from a slightly well-off family

"I used to also compare myself to him a lot. I used to wonder the kind of ex-lovers he’s had and judged myself by how his female friends look like," Abby admits.

"My dad is an alcoholic and was also violent to my mum. I grew up believing that all men are monsters, and this made it very hard for me to engage romantically.”

Abby’s boyfriend has his own baggage. He comes from what she describes as a “dysfunctional family” where his father was unfaithful.

“My partner is very clingy and controlling. He always wants to know where I am and what I’m doing,” Abby explains. This behaviour prompted them to seek therapy, although they took just a few sessions due to financial constraints.

Six months into their relationship, despite the challenges, Abby has seen some progress.

“Our relationship is still a bit rocky, but things are much better than before,” she says. “We are learning to communicate better and respect each other’s boundaries. For example, he is working on his trust issues, and I am learning to be more open about my feelings.”

However, she’s uncertain about the future, admitting, “I’m not sure if this relationship will last a year if I don’t fully work on myself. I need to address my own insecurities and learn to trust.”

Common signs of baggage 

Earnest Wamboye, a relationships expert and founder of the Relationship Centre Limited, offers insights into how baggage manifests in relationships.

“Common signs of baggage include aggression, passivity, and passive-aggressiveness. Some people carry their pain like armour, lashing out with insults, frequent outbursts of anger, or even physical violence. Others become passive and build walls around themselves.

“They display nonchalance and have low emotional intelligence. Then there are those who are masters of passive-aggression. They simply ignore relational problems hoping that they will resolve on their own. In such cases, the individuals’ unresolved issues play out in subtle, often confusing ways.”

Wamboye says baggage from sexual abuse, emotional neglect, and spiritual abuse is particularly challenging for couples to navigate together.

“Sexual abuse takes very long to overcome because it traverses the body, soul, and spirit.”

The relationships expert emphasises the importance of support, but warns, “You cannot be your partner’s lover and therapist at the same time.”

He advocates for seeking professional help, recognising that some burdens are too heavy to carry alone or even as a couple. “Third-party experts must be consulted,” he insists.

“Develop communities to keep the marriage or relationship accountable, such as couple groups. Commit to regular check-in meetings with your spouse where matters are discussed and resolved. Take time off from relationships and do a self-audit,” he advises. “You cannot audit yourself well when you have relational duties.”

When it comes to fostering a more positive outlook with a partner, Wamboye emphasises the importance of self-awareness and proactive steps towards personal growth.

“You can never go wrong with personal therapy. Professional guidance can be instrumental in breaking negative patterns.