How my wingman ruined my New Year resolution
What you need to know:
- It is while I was sitting in my bedsitter making these plans, and trying to ensure that Kenyan acts like Mejja ‘Okonkwo’, Sarru and Prof. Wajackoyah perform during the bash, that Psang knocked on my door.
- For your information, I nowadays live like a prince, thanks to some CDF bursary that just landed in my bank account.
- Soft life is all I want, giving myself baby boy treatment to compensate for the tough economic times I have endured. I am talking about the many times I joined the kuinama lunch gang.
By Brian Khavalaji
I only had one resolution this year. To kick out Psang, my wingman, from his job. It is my final year in campo, so I want to concentrate on my studies. I am fasting and praying against the temptation to use paraphrasing tools and Artificial Intelligence tools like ChatGPT and Moonbeam for plagiarism, and become the ‘B’ student I am.
Also, I want to make my heart a desert for love relationships. As they say, soko ni chafu and I am all about cleanliness, which is next to godliness. Psang has been of exceptional help, doing all the dirty work for me as I do the fun stuff such as sharing memes, meals, love and side hugs with campus babes from as far as Mtito Andei, South Sudan and Chebarbar.
I am not one to celebrate the downfall of another comrade. But in this case, I will have to kiss Psang goodbye and send him packing. In honor of his outstanding, unorthodox but premium hook up services, I have organised a bash that coincidentally falls on the same night comrades will be shaking hands, exchanging numbers and hugging freshmen during this semester’s Fresher’s Night. I will sponsor him with endless shots of keg.
It is while I was sitting in my bedsitter making these plans, and trying to ensure that Kenyan acts like Mejja ‘Okonkwo’, Sarru and Prof. Wajackoyah perform during the bash, that Psang knocked on my door. For your information, I nowadays live like a prince, thanks to some CDF bursary that just landed in my bank account. Soft life is all I want, giving myself baby boy treatment to compensate for the tough economic times I have endured. I am talking about the many times I joined the kuinama lunch gang.
As soon as he sat down, I supplied him with a glass of banana smoothie. Knowing me, he smelled it before taking a sip, then looked at me suspiciously. He then lowered his black shades and smiled. I let him enjoy the moment. He had no idea what I had in store for him.
After the glass of smoothie, he cleared his throat and then gave me the best news I have ever received. “There is this babe in Gate B. I think you should meet her,” he said. To be honest, I was not moved. My mind was still on my resolution to focus only on my studies this year. However, when he described her further, I got hooked! He said that this babe, Chelaa, has dreamy, symmetrical eyes, a smooth forehead, defined nose, perky cheeks and a perfectly contoured body that complimented her tall physique. My heart started beating. How weak of a man would I be if I was to abandon my vow of chastity so early in the year?
Psang went ahead and gave me the coordinates of where to meet Chelaa, plus her phone number. I forgot about my resolutions immediately. I was ready to enter the beautiful world of relationships and vacate these dungeon of singlehood where there are no good morning texts, no dates and no warm hugs. For good luck, I prayed and fasted, hoping that Chelaa is not the devil’s daughter who has come to steal, to kill and destroy (read, give me character development.) I guess I have to change priorities now. I hope you keep yours. This is your year, right?
