Should I divorce my wife or beat sense into her?

My wife and I were married in church eight years ago and she has been verbally abusing me since day one.

At first, I thought she was doing it because she was pregnant, or because she was overwhelmed by taking care of the baby, or even because she was jobless.

I mentioned the problem to her parents and they talked to her but she has refused to change.

I sent her away for six months hoping that would change her but she only came back rougher, tougher, and even violent. We have two cute sons and she insults me even in their presence.

Even after counselling by a church minister, she has not changed. Three months ago, I filed for divorce, which she readily agreed to. Should I end this abusive marriage or just beat some sense in to her?

John

READERS SAY:

Stay put; men don’t quit

John, eight years is not long enough to make you forget the vows that you made to each other. I believe you were both of sound mind when you declared, “...till death do us part”.

Having lived together for eight years, it is evident you can live even longer – till death separates you.

Remember, you chose each other and there is no other option. Please stay put; men don’t quit.

Evans Langat

*****

Your wife is possessed

John, if you have tried everything possible to stop her from abusing you and she has refused, get a divorce. As for your sons, they will judge for themselves who between you is right.

I also think your wife is possessed by some evil spirit. She needs spiritual deliverance.

Oscar Ochieng'

*****

Show her you care about her

You made a mistake by taking her to other people hoping they would help her change. It is not a bad idea but you should have sat her down and politely asked her why she treats you the way she does.

You should also try to make her understand that you are concerned about her behaviour and that you care about her. Try to approach your problem gently and calmly. Beating her up won’t solve anything.

Mercy Malle

*****

You’re not her dream partner

John, what is crystal clear to any sober mind is that your wife did not wholly embrace the decision to marry you. Most likely she didn’t love you enough for a life-long commitment.

The decision was probably made under duress, so it is not surprising that she started fighting back from day one.

She was hoping, and still hopes, this yoke she finds herself under collapses soon and the fact that she readily accepted a divorce says it all. Please know that you are not, and will never be, her dream partner.

She has other fantasies because any rational woman, with two children to boot, would have resigned herself to her fate by now. You should have divorced her yesterday and sought custody of your cute children.

Beating sense into her will earn you one thing: a long jail term and alienation from your sons.

Bundo J.K.

*****

You can’t force her to change

Violence never solves anything. It is not possible to change a person who is not willing to change. I suggest you end the marriage, no matter how disruptive it might be for the children.

Your wife’s challenging you in front of your sons is undermining you in a very big way; when they become teenagers, it will be extremely difficult for you to discipline them. 

Besides, you have already filed for divorce, so beating her will not make her stay.

Ngina Kieti

*****

Your marriage is over

It seems to me that your marriage is over. You have persevered eight years with a nagging wife. Who can tolerate such behaviour?

However, if I were you I would also look at her positive attributes and weigh them against the negative. Still, you should go ahead and end the marriage.

The lesson we, readers, have learnt from your situation is that couples need to understand each other thoroughly before they tie the knot.

Caleb Warire

*****

She’s wasting your time

John, this woman is taking advantage of you and wasting your time. Maybe she has a lover and because she does not want to tell you, she insults you so that you might decide to leave her.

Actions speak louder than words; ask yourself why she agreed to the divorce. It’s clear that she is fed up and wants to get rid of you.

Tabby M.

*****

Pray for peace

According to the Bible, you should divorce her only if she has committed adultery, so I suggest that you approach her once again.

Since you are a Christian, take time with your wife and read Proverbs Chapter 14. After that, kneel down and ask God for peace in your marriage.

I’m very sure God will provide a way where there seems to be none.

Alvin Kakai

*****

If you value your life, leave her

Eight years of psychological torture through verbal abuse by someone you chose to be your life partner is a long time.

Her behaviour towards you clearly indicates her negative attitude towards you from the start, even though you married in the church.

How did you get to know each other? Was yours an arranged marriage? If so, that’s how most such marriages end up because most likely, one partner didn’t have any positive feelings for the other and only conceded to the will of those who arranged the marriage.

Now that she came back breathing fire, it’s better to leave and save your life. That she quickly agreed to a divorce means she is capable of doing anything to part company with you.

Men have been sent to early graves by unloving women, leaving behind children who need fatherly love, for which there is no substitute.

You’ve got two cute sons who need your love more than anything else. Be advised that women can be very dangerous, especially when their hearts are full of hatred.

Divorce her as soon as possible.

Titus Murithi

*****

You might be fuelling her outbursts 

Your wife needs help, not divorce or temporary marital leave. Note that words can be like pointed poisonous arrows which, when released, deposit bitter contents in the recipient, leaving him or her emotionally tattered.

Your wife is bitter, and bitterness is basically born by unresolved grudges and resentment.

Bitterness breeds a host of emotional and physical vices and ills such as hatred, jealousy, envy, outbursts of anger, rivalry, division, false accusations and unforgiveness.

Sit down carefully and evaluate these tendencies in your wife. It would also help to write down in three or four sentences her constant complaints during the moments abuse. Address these issues slowly and with love and compassion.

Finally, it takes two to tango. You must also be fuelling these outbursts.

Eight years is a long time and if you are honest with yourself, you have been deeply wounded by the environment. Seek spiritual healing before you begin to help your wife. 

Please, do not divorce or beat her. Your hands do not have sense; only your tongue does.

Remember, you used your tongue, not your limbs, to convince her to marry you. Love her every day regardless of the pain she is causing you. Love does not, and will never fail. 

Sammy O.N.

*****

Have faith and be patient

You should realise that marriage was instituted by God and should be honoured even under difficult circumstances. Remember the Biblical story of Hosea’s wife (Gomer) and her bad behaviour, yet Hosea did not divorce her.

Just take a step of faith and be patient. Believe that she can change and commit yourself to prayer and seek reconciliation with her by involving a few trusted friends, church members or respectable church leaders.

Divorce should not be an option.

Dan Theuri

*****

You have the solution

John, you must be suffering because I also underwent a similar ordeal. But in my case, whenever I threatened to divorce her, she would calm down for about a month, after which she would revert to her usual behaviour.

There is a solution in your case; go ahead and divorce her, after which you can marry another woman.

By that I don’t mean you kick out the children as well; they are a part of you. Just remember that you can never be sure what the next woman you marry will be like.

AJ

*****

Put the kids’ interests first

I must commend you for the relentless efforts you have made to save the marriage. However, what is happening is not peculiar to you; it happens in many marriages although many of the aggrieved parties prefer not to talk about it.

The fact that you’ve shared your experience shows your readiness to tackle it. The first tell-tale sign that a marriage is under siege is when one spouse starts to treat the other like the wrong beneficiary of his or her ‘favour’.

We get married, not to do each other a favour but to nurture a loving relationship. This union means we have to consider our partner’s weak and strong points.

I wouldn’t advise you to divorce your wife for another woman. You might be jumping from the frying pan into the fire because you’ll have no assurance that the new woman will be any different.

Do this for the children, who remain totally innocent even as their home literally burns.

Nyambura Kabaria

*****

Consult her parents

Before going on with the divorce, which might take quite a long time, talk to her parents and other relatives, just in case she has a psychological problem.

Beating her up is not the best idea given the current laws on domestic abuse. Inform her parents about the situation before you make a decision like divorce.

Aseri Dickson

*****

She neither loves nor respects you

Stop wasting your time. For how long will you continue taking her insults? Eight years is a long time and you have played your role as a husband.

Since she has agreed to a divorce, go on and leave her – she no longer loves or respects you and does not appreciate your patience as you waited for her to change.

Cathy K

*****

Start over without her

End it before things get worse. My guess is that it was an arranged marriage hence her attitude towards you.

I believe you should divorce her;, beating her will only land you in jail for assault. Then make a fresh start without her.

Kenney Mboya