Pudd’ng is turning out to be the gate-keeper of the English language

TOEFL. Acronym for Test of English as a Foreign Language. A standardised quiz taken by speakers of other languages applying to US colleges.

My daughter is not applying to no college; but she’s still got her TOEFL moments …

Test of English as a Fluid Language   

While taking baby girl to school, we pass by an open-air premise that sells sand. As is Pudd’ng’s habit, if she doesn’t comprehend anything, she will ask. “Mom? Why have they written the number four between those two words?”

“Because,” mom gives Pudd’ng the straightforward answer, “it means for.”

“But it should not be written that way,” the little learner was adamant, as Tenderoni tries to explain the fluidity of the English language. The sign that had worked up Pudd’ng was, Sand 4 Sale.

Test of English as a Funky Language  

During the World Cup, old trusted pop fielded more questions than an OTP witness in The Hague. Like, “Dah-dee? Is Brazil a country or a team?” On seeing ball boys in front of the players during the singing of national anthems, baby girl asked: “Why do the football players bring their children?”

The numero uno football tourney is every discerning advertiser’s dream theatre. While watching one of the matches, Pudd’ng’s eyes fell on the ad of fast food giant, McDonald’s, whose slogan, “I’m lovin’ it” got her curious.

“Dah-dee? What does lovin’ mean?”

Test of English as a Flummoxing Language

Our daughter’s homework usually gives us glimpses of her obedience streak. At times, the errors seem elementary. However, try as we might to correct her, we have a hard time for two reasons. One, if Pudd’ng says, “Teacher said”; then that’s final. Two, there are times she just says, “It was written like that on the blackboard”. That’s final too.

This time it’s her English homework that flummoxed me … 

“You need to cross this t,” I tell her on checking her assignment.

“Daddy, but it is oplician; it was written like that on the blackboard.”

“What’s an oplician then?” I ask the obedient baby who wants to stand by a misspelling.

“Me I don’t know.”

Me? I put her in the know. And, just to put this past “teacher said” I showed her the word and its meaning in the dictionary.

Test of English as a Freeform Language   

A teacher’s accent is bound to rub off on her pupils. From the surname of our daughter’s class teacher, I knew where Pudd’ng acquired this accent. Still, we’ve learnt that when Pudd’ng unintentionally says something funny or strange, we keep straight faces at all costs. Or else.

“Dah-dee?” my daughter recently announced after school. “I know what a dove sympolises.”

“Simple what?”

“Sympolise.”

“Can you spell that word for me please?

“Dah-dee? You don’t know sympolise? It is spelled S-I-M-P-L-I-S. Sympolise.”

“If you say so. Okay, what does a dove sympolise?”

“It sympolises peace.”

Heck, it’s a free country baby.

Test of English as a Freethinker’s Language   

Recently, the name of a 5th century BC Hebrew prophet brought some pronunciation lessons. It got kind of sticky, because when I tried to correct it, Pudd’ng gave me her closing statement: “Teacher said …”

“Dah-dee?” Pudd’ng shared the day’s religious education lesson, pronouncing the last syllable in the prophet’s name as chi in chips: “Today we read a verse from the book of Malachi.”

“That’s good,” I replied, and then added, “I think it’s not pronounced Mala-chi, but Mala-kai.”

On hearing this, baby protested that it was written as Malachi, and that her teacher had pronounced it as Malachi. Well, if we’re reading from the same God-inspired Scripture, what’s a mere syllable between two faithful?

Test of English as a Foodie Language 

When our daughter has learnt something in school, chances are high that she will share it with us, or try to find out if what the teacher had said was correct. Or just to show off. 

There are some foods that are known by their local names. Omena is one example. I think our daughter thought this was its English name, until the other day ...

“Dah-dee?” Pudd’ng asked as we went home from school; “is it true that the English name for omena is dagger?”   “It’s written and pronounced dagaa,” I corrected the pupil, who looked at me somewhat daggers, “but I think the English name is Lake Victoria sardine.”

Test of English as a Funny Language 

“Dah-dee? Si Mombasa is an island?” Pudd’ng asked the other morning, to which I said yes.

“So,” she went on, “to reach Mombasa, you need a boat or a fairy.”