Why some women may never achieve orgasms

It is rare that people come to the Sexology Clinic to share their good sexual experiences. The majority always seek help for sexual dysfunctions and relationship problems. It was therefore great meeting Jack and Julie or the JJ couple as they referred to themselves.

“You should know that after 27 of not knowing what orgasm is, I finally had one,” Julie blurted out, “I feel like I am reborn, it is a mind and spirit-boggling experience,” she declared.

Julie was a 49-year-old teacher while Jack, an engineer was 57. The couple had been married for six months.

“You both got married late, was it out of choice?” I asked trying to fathom the nature of their relationship. There was a loud silence for a moment; they stole glimpses of each other and smiled shyly. It appeared that they were deeply in love.

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The short of it was that Julie was a widow while Jack was a divorcee. Julie had been in marriage for 26 years having been married at the tender age of 22. She lived happily with her husband and had three children. Her husband died in a tragic road accident leaving the family in shock. Julie met Jack six months after burying her husband and they fell in love.

“It was a time of great loss for me too as my wife of 30 years had just walked out on me,” Jack explained, “she was cheating and said that she preferred to be with the other man.” 

After the meeting, Julie and Jack formalised their marriage and started living together.

“I noted from the start that sex with Jack was different and it got even better with time culminating in orgasms,” Julie said, “and do not get me wrong or misjudge me, I loved my departed husband only that I never climaxed with him.”

The first lesson Julie had was that foreplay was important. Her first marriage started when they were a young couple. They jumped on each other as soon as they had the opportunity. They never learnt nor practised any form of foreplay. As the marriage progressed, that approach never changed. 

Then came the penetrative sex. It was chicken business as Julie put it.

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“He would jump on me and within a minute it was over,” she explained, “I think it was sex that was appropriate for child-bearing, not for pleasure and for sure we got our three children.”

Julie’s departed husband had premature ejaculation which became normalised in their relationship because, for starters, they never even knew it was a problem. Premature ejaculation is common and leaves the woman confused and yearning for more. 

“We became more like business partners with time,” Julie said, “we had no time to connect and our talks were about rent, school fees, shopping for the house and investment.” I nodded with understanding. This is a trap married couples fall into after a while. They stop creating time to talk about themselves and understand what they are going through and their emotional troubles. It is rare to find married couples who cry in each other’s arms.

“So, with Jack, we talk a lot, we hold laugh and cry as the case may be,” Julie said, “and I must say sex is very satisfying.”

The couple had an emotional connection and long foreplay and, of course, Jack did not have premature ejaculation.

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 “So, is there any help you needed from me going forward?” I asked, conscious of the fact that other patients were waiting.

“I think for me it is just to ask you to teach couples what normal sex is so that they can seek help if they discover that they are not functioning well,” Jack said, “I was surprised with Julie’s story because what I took to be the norm never happened in her first marriage.”

“Yes, many women may never get to know what is normal because nobody tells them,” Julie said, “Look at the number of years I had to wait to discover my sexuality!”