Men too fake orgasms, here's why

Everyone knows it. It's the written story. 'Women do fake orgasms.' In fact, a 2015 poll run by Cosmopolitan Magazine reported that 67 percent of women admitted to doing it.

The reasons range from, avoiding feeling sexually inadequate, to stroking your partner's ego, and sometimes it's simply to get it over with because sex isn't always mind-blowing.

But what about men? 'No. How can they? Is it even biologically possible?' Yes, it is. Men confirm it, and research backs them up. About one in four guys have faked coming during vaginal sex, according to 2010 research by the University of Kansas.

It turns out that men's reasons for feigning orgasm aren't so different from why women play pretend in bed. According to the University of Kansas study, men fake orgasms mostly to avoid upsetting their sexual partner, wanting them to feel good about themselves and their skills in bed. Stress, exhaustion, alcohol, and drug consumption were also some of the reasons the study gave.

It also appears that our society's reductive understanding of female vs male arousal is also partly to blame because many men fake it to feel 'normal'.

How do you handle a man who fakes orgasm? That was the question Tina wanted to be answered when she called me a few months ago.

"It is not the first time he is doing this to me," said Tina, "the first time it happened I was quite offended and I made him know that it was wrong."

Tina said she felt fooled and taken for granted.

"I never knew men can fake orgasm. I always thought it was a woman's thing," she continued.

I asked Tina several questions to help me understand what she meant by faking orgasm. Her husband, she said, seemed to have sex as a marital obligation rather than an expression of his love.

"He jumps on me with very little foreplay," she explained, "within no time, he is out, breathing hard like a wounded bull and pretending to be tired."

What Tina's husband did not know is that because they were not emotionally connected, Tina analysed everything he did and was able to tell acts of pretense.

Tina's husband was one among the 25 percent of men who have faked orgasms at one point or another. Women however fake orgasms more often than men with up to 60 percent of them have done it. In fact, a quarter of married women fake orgasms at all times.

As the studies above have shown there are varied reasons why people opt for fake bedroom theatrics.

Most of these pretenders are tired and stressed, possibly due to busy lifestyles. They do not give sex attention and fear getting into arguments with their partners. They do not enjoy intercourse and they opt to act.

For others, it is the relationship that is not satisfying. The pretender is not connected emotionally to their partner. It could be that there is no love in the relationship in the first place, that there is no trust, or that one of the partners has an affair. Whatever the case, the hearts and souls are drifting apart and sex becomes a tedious performance.

In a few instances, there could be a medical problem or fear of a problem resulting from sex. It could be that the sex is painful, or there is fear of pregnancy or disease. Guilt which could be grounded on religious or moral grounds is also a cause.

Whatever the reason for faking, it is against the natural purpose of sex. Sex does not just give physical pleasure; there is something divine and supernatural about it. Repeated studies by sex researchers have shown that good sex leads to enhanced self-esteem. The person's feeling of well-being goes up and there is a feeling of emotional healing. This improves a person's happiness and gives them a positive outlook on life.

People who have healthy sex feel loved and radiate love and compassion to others. They have a sense of acceptance, beauty, reverence, grace, and a feeling of rejuvenation. They feel powered to face life; in fact, they get a better sense of spiritual connection with their God. Healthy sex is therefore not just good for the body but the spirit and the soul as well. It is no wonder that most religions dedicate a fair amount of focus on sexuality and relationships and relate this to godly behaviour.

Faking an orgasm is a symptom that sex or the relationship is no longer healthy and needs attention. Unhealthy sex destroys the emotions and well-being of the people involved and influences the way the affected person views life and other people. Unhealthy sex is not good for your life.

Back to Tina's situation: the couple went through counseling and it turned out that the relationship was on the rocks. There was no trust, their love was dead, and they had frequent fights. Tina's husband got intimate to avoid being questioned about extra-marital affairs.

After several therapy sessions, the couple resolved their differences and became emotionally engaged with each other again.

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