What’s your incentive for sex?

Based on the experiences I have had in the Sexology Clinic; I can confirm that treating female sexual pain is not an easy medical undertaking. This is because a woman can have many causes of painful sex and so the doctor must explore the possible causes and prescribe treatment that combines physical, psychological and even social interventions. Even more difficult is that the sensation of pain, in the first place, worsens a woman’s situation, making her tend to evade a sexual situation.

It is for this reason I got interested in how Esther eliminated sexual pain after one year. The first time I met her she was a worried lady. She was 35 and single. Her desire had been that in her life she would be married and get three children and bring up a happy family.

“I am actually getting depressed and I need urgent help,” she said in her first consultation, “I fear that I may not achieve my life aspirations.”

She broke her virginity at the age of 24 and by 35 had only had sex twice. 

“That experience was horrific, I had excruciating pain, and then there was bleeding! I said never again and kept off sex for over five years,” Esther said. At that point, she thought that breaking her virginity was the cause of her pain. 

Her second exposure to sex was at the age of 30. She got this man whom she hoped to marry. She feared that there would be pain again but gave in when she realised that the man was threatening to leave her.

“That was the worst experience I have ever had,” she lamented, “The act was traumatising, the pain was unbearable, I remained sore for three days and could not go to work.” She told the man to leave her alone after that and went into a five-year dry spell.

When I saw Esther at the age of 35, she had gotten into another relationship and this time round she was determined to achieve her life objective: to marry and get three children. I diagnosed her to have vaginismus, a form of sexual pain that results from painful contractions of the pelvic muscles during sex. 

“This is my last chance to achieve my life objective and if I don’t I will become a mental wreck, so you better help me,” Esther agonised.

The journey in treating vaginismus is normally a difficult one and combines medical, physical and psychological therapies. For many women, it takes years to get well and many times the pain may not completely go. I was, therefore, amazed at how quickly Esther recovered and it is in the process that I learnt an important lesson that could benefit everyone to enjoy their sexuality.

For each person, there is a trigger to sexual desire. There are the things that stimulate desire and will make you do everything to overcome sexual inhibitions or difficulties and make you enjoy sex. 

I once met a woman who would get turned on by her husband whenever he gave her money.

“Do not get me wrong,” she defended, “I do not give sex as a payback for the money; it is just that whenever he gives me money I feel loved and cared for and just want to be close to him.”

For others it could be spending quality time together; the feeling that one is able to spare their time and just be there for you. Yet for others it is the acts of service, being served with food or someone opening the car door for you or massaging your painful back.

Yet still, for others like Esther, it may be a life desire to be married and to bear children.

Whatever the case may be, the important thing is to be conscious of that thing that triggers sexual feelings in you. The next step is to communicate whatever it is to your man (or woman as the case may be).

When it comes to medical treatment, however, the ability to recover from most sexual problems very much rests on the motivation you have for having sex in the first place. If you no longer have a good reason to have sex with your partner it becomes very difficult to overcome a sexual problem. 

It is therefore important to be clear from the very beginning of a relationship and to keep evaluating and reflecting on your purpose for being intimate.