The winning traits of assertive people
Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. Aggression is purely about winning, without regard for others.
Being assertive is a hugely successful strategy, whether your goal is becoming a CEO or improving your love life. Because modern organisations greatly value assertiveness. And so do lovers.
It’s also why men always seem to get their own way. Because they’ve learned to be assertive. Girls grow up learning to value warmth, intimacy and consensus. But boys are socialised to put themselves first and to say ‘No!’, ultimately, that has its roots in the way women prefer successful and assertive males, but being assertive works just as well for women as it does for men. So it’s okay for a woman to put herself first. And to say ‘No!’ And to mean it.
Being assertive means valuing other people’s opinions whilst also expressing your own. Clearly, directly and honestly. It means knowing your rights and standing up for them. It means managing your emotions and working through conflict.
Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. Aggression is purely about winning, without regard for others. And short term, it does work. But you’ll also make life long enemies and store up endless future trouble. So avoid making threats, staring people down, being sarcastic or condescending.
Being passive is even worse! Not expressing your feelings may sidestep an immediate conflict, but it encourages others to demand too much of you. And once you’ve allowed a relationship to go that way it can be difficult to rebalance it. So avoid endlessly apologising, letting things slide, or not saying how you really feel.
Becoming more assertive means knowing what you want. And having the facts. So when you anticipate difficulties, do some research, get the figures, and ask for opinions. Then you’ll be able to make a good case and will appear organised and firm.
Look interested and alert so people will take you seriously, with a firm and calm voice, direct eye contact, and open body language. Use relaxed gestures, a factual approach, and sound determined and convincing. Say ‘I’ a lot. Like ‘I want...’ or ‘I don’t agree...’ Use cooperative phrases like ‘What do you think?’ and clear expressions of interest such as ‘I’d like us to…’ Learn to say no when you need to. And to accept both compliments and criticism gracefully.
You’ll also need to listen well in order to reach agreements that stick. Ask open questions like ‘How do we do this?’ or ‘Is there any other way?’ to seek clarification, identify common ground, and make sure everyone feels they’ve been heard. Anticipate how things are likely to go and practice possible responses. Prepare questions that expose the weaknesses in other people’s arguments and help you to gain the initiative: ‘What’s your evidence?’ ‘Who have you consulted about this?’ If a question’s avoided or ignored, re-phrase it. And practice holding your ground: ‘Hang on a minute, I’m really not sure about that.’
Have faith in your own abilities, be clear about your ideas, express them firmly and clearly, and you’ll get what you want.
