My wife is a serial cheater, what do I end our marriage?

I married in 2016 and we got our firstborn in 2017. In 2018, she got pregnant though I had doubts that I still hold to date. I remember when she delivered the boy in 2019, she overheard me say "huyo mtoto hanifanani (that baby doesn’t look like me). I never carried the child till he turned one, and I have been contemplating doing a DNA test but each time, fear sets it and I end up not doing it. As a result of the 2018 -2019 issues with my wife, I made another woman pregnant, she gave birth to a baby girl whom I really love and care for. From 2017 to 2021, my wife was a housewife until we started a diaper shop, and within six months of running it, she met another man, causing constant problems in our relationship. At one time, I left the house and rented a hotel room for two weeks. Back in the house, I made her aware that her cheating had affected my desire for her, so we no longer had sex. In September 2021, I noticed she was pregnant, around the same time, I found out that the wife of the man she was moving with had confronted her. I came home one evening and she started demanding that we separate and each of us takes one child, which I refused. I looked her in the eye and told her that I am aware she was seeing another man, and will allow her to go live with him, but that no child was leaving. The following morning, I packed my belongings and ensured that she also removed everything she wanted from the house before I left with kids to my mother’s. After two days, as I returned to Nairobi for an assignment, my wife called and requested that we meet and talk, which we did. She admitted to cheating and I told her that I was aware of it and the fact that she is pregnant. I was driving, so I started speeding and threatening to cause an accident that will kill both of us. Panicking, she started calling her lover.   As we approached some town, she opened the car door, which made me to stop. A mob gathered wanting to kill me and she didn’t intervene. Luckily, there was a police station nearby where I was booked in. After explaining my predicament, I was let go and asked to stay away from her. 

 I left for home, but she again contacted me the following day asking to talk to the kids, which I refused. She persisted and out of family pressure, I allowed her back on condition that she terminates the pregnancy, which she obliged. Upon returning, she behaved well for a few months, then slid back to her behaviour of reprimanding and shouting at me. I later moved her to our native home, but every time I am with her, I remember how she had sex with another man and got pregnant. Recently, I have been suspecting her of having an affair with my cousin. I am tired of the relationship and I don't know how to end it. 

Post as anonymous. 

READERS ADVICE

It seems your marriage had failed. If it’s not too late that your wife loves your children, put up a business for her to keep her busy and don’t be part of it. Marry another woman and let her know of your story.  It's hard but you have to accept the situation. 

Erick Otieno

You just don't want to confront your marital issues. This is a woman who has cheated on you and you thought impregnating another woman will save your marriage and it didn't. Arguing, fighting and acting vengeful will not save your marriage but a talk will. It is only the two of you who understand how important it is to stay together. But in case nothing works out then you have the option to part ways but at least ensure your innocent children. 

Juma Felix

You have had a myriad of issues which are unfortunate.

Even so, you are to blame for some. Two wrongs cannot make a right. When your wife cheats you don't have to do so. What am learning from your narration is that even though you have talked and come back together you still hurt. You didn't talk exhaustively. This will make your stay together difficult. Talk and sort the way forward.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Mitume, Kitale

You are full of drama with interesting and knotty family affairs. Despite all this, one can sense charm in you, and so much initiative and exuberant energy. What is missing in your life is that you have never done an introspection on your life, your target and your aspirations. In a sentence, you do not know yourself.  Have a sit down with a counsellor who should walk with you and help you channel your energy for more positive outcomes. Once you personally sort yourself others will automatically fit in. But first, know thyself.

Drive Counseling centre

EXPERT’S TAKE

You both made decisions that had consequences. The rollercoaster was created by both of you. Granted she had an affair but so did you. It should not be a case of pointing fingers or appointing blame but rather a case of incompatibility that led to your current predicament. It is a social fact that not all relationships were meant to last. Many have unavoidable expiry implications because their foundations were weak, to begin with. Despite trying to make it work your union at some point was doomed to fail. Life is not a straight line of bliss and nor is your marriage. My advice is that you free each other from this untenable situation that you are inflicting on one another. I do not see your relations improving. If anything you are brewing a toxic marriage of constant inconvenience where being faithful is a futile obligation. Establish how you can coexist while living apart because of your children. 

Relationship Counsellor, Maurice Matheka

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

My name is Ann. I met a guy at my workplace. He is 45 and I'm 25. We fell in love and he opened up to me that he was married. He insisted that he will make me his second wife. He's gone to my parents and even interacted with my brothers. This guy has never done anything for me, I pay every bill and even buy him gifts but he has never reciprocated. We've been together for two years yet his friends or family have no idea of my existence. I have insisted on quitting the relationship but he still insists that he'll change and make everything formal. I don't love this man anymore because I feel he's just using me. Please advise me.

Have a relationship dilemma? Email us at [email protected]