My husband has taken a second wife, what should I do?
What you need to know:
When I confronted him he just said that he didn’t want to hurt me. What should I do?
Q: Dear, Aunty Truphena, I have been married for five years. I recently discovered that my husband has taken a second wife and they have been living together for the last year. I was so devastated. I came to know about this through his close friends. When I confronted him he just said that he didn’t want to hurt me. What should I do? I’m so hurt because I had trusted him so much.
A: You seem to be in shock and my heart goes out to you. The part that you are struggling with is knowing that you trusted your husband and believed him to be someone else but he ended up betraying you. You may be struggling with him secretly marrying, but also with him not being fully honest. It is certain that your husband didn’t disclose to you his secret marriage because he didn’t want to hurt you or probably break your marriage. According to him, this was okay but it also doesn’t lessen your pain after discovery. Now, all that is past, what is key is to know how to deal with this hard reality- you are sharing your husband with another woman. With this in mind, you can decide how much you can bear. In the process of making any decision, I would suggest that you look very carefully at the last three years of your marriage and ask yourself if you were happy or not. During the time that he was married to both you and his second wife without your knowledge, how did he treat you? And has that changed after your discovery? You also need to talk to a close friend or a family member who will probably offer a shoulder to lean on at this trying time. After a self-evaluation, you can have a candid talk with your husband preferably with a family mediator. Remember, although you seem to be the hurt person in this case, a harsh confrontation will only push him further. Note that he has already made a decision about having another wife and therefore pushing him to yourself and making him feel guilty might not help. At the same time, do not cling, beg, whine, plead, or manipulate as it will only worsen the situation. Be strong. Make it clear that while you would like to save your marriage, your life will go on. All the best.